Plot Lines From A Shotgun

Change of plans, folks

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 21:34:00 +0000

"We're at the end of the universe, right at the edge of knowledge itself, and you're busy... blogging!" -Doctor Who

It's been a long time since I've blogged here at good old Blogspot. I've never really been satisfied with my own blogging, really. It may have something to do with my incapacitating inability to truly express myself, coming from years of habitually repressing emotions. Or maybe it's just that I'm too lazy to think of witty things to say. It's a toss-up...

In light of this, I have decided to take a fresh start and begin a new blog: clicky!

Rock rock on

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 22:42:00 +0000

So, October 26th. My good friend Joe's band (Art of Attrition) is having a CD Release Party Concert, with another band named Counterfeit Digits...

However, over this past weekend, Joe told me he wants to get a few people together and have like an "acoustic" cover band to have for the first act, and he wants me to be in it. It would be him on lead guitar with me on either rhythm or bass (or both), and then we'd have either his best friend Cameron or this other guy Sam on drums.

I might be in a concert. Playing and singing. We'd do 4 or 5 cover songs, with a couple of originals, potentially one of my songs included in those originals.

Can you say, freakin sweet?

By the way, I'm totally in love. With roadtrips. And laughing. :)

FINE!

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:11:00 +0000

So, life is life I s'pose. Busy, full of new friends and some fun times, and big decisions. I'm quitting both my jobs. Scratch that, I already quit one, and the other one I gave my 2 weeks' notice today. So, as of July 27th, my life will be completely different. Honestly, I very VERY much welcome the change. Tomorrow I have an interview with another company I'm probably going to work for, a place called Verio. I'm kind of crossing my fingers to be able to take a couple of weeks off in between jobs. I'm completely burned out... Hence why I got sick!

Health.exe is mostly back up and running. It took a few blows, was down for the count for a while, but is back (almost) good as ever. I have this awesome cough, but other than that, all's peachy keen.

I can't decide what to do this fall about housing. I want to move back to my dad's house for a couple reasons, 1) it's awesome living there, getting to know them and spending time with them, and 2) everything's pretty much free. However! I really would like to stay in my apartment with my amazing roommates this fall too. It's only like $250 a month, and I should be making plenty of money... I love my roommates. I love apartment life. I love my neighbors and my ward and the fact that all you ever have to do is look outside and pow, you've got something to do for the night.

hmmm....

Unable to initialize health.exe

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 06:07:00 +0000

I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I feel like my whole body is infected with something. My head is swimming, my muscles have committed mutiny and THEY decide when they want to work, not me. I'm exhausted but seem to only be able to sleep during the daylight hours. I can't talk. My throat burns, but apparently it isn't strep, despite the white blisters on my very red and swollen tonsils. My left eye is all puffy and red, my glands are swollen, and, just to top it all off, I'm starving but have no appetite! Sad day, eh? Not to mention the coughing fits!

Being sick is lame. It started on Thursday night/Friday morning, with 2 hours of uncontrollable chills and other fun stuff. I went to the doctor on Monday, which is where they found out it's not strep, but he thought it might be Mono. LAME. Aren't you supposed to at least get a good makeout session out of it when you get mono? Seriously!

Maybe it's just my body telling me I need to freaking slow down. That even though I feel like I could and should be able to take on the world AND work 80 hours a week, I really can't. That yes, your emotional well-being really does affect your physical well-being. And that no, you can't make up for being tired emotionally and trying to hold up other people by throwing yourself into working non-stop. Dang it.

Not to mention that I'm irritated this is making me miss work. I don't have any PTO left! I feel horrible for missing, too, like I'm missing my best friend's wedding every day I miss work. What's up with that? I went in to Dentrix today, because I was feeling sort of okay this morning, and I only lasted 3 hours. This is ridiculous!

I almost kind of want to quit, though. GAH. I don't know! I just wish I wasn't sick.

BUT! Happiness is that I get to talk to my mom every day now. I got to see her, and spend time with all of my siblings in the same place at the same time. All 5 of us all together for the first time in probably 10 years. Well, all together and having a good time for the first time in about 10 years, hehe. It really was awesome. I missed my Mommy.

Realizations and elephants

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 10 May 2007 19:00:00 +0000

Last night I had this really crazy experience. I was writing in my journal and such, and just kind of pondering/praying, thinking about the Eric situation. I decided the other day that I need to tell him we can't be friends, that I need to reject him and spit him out. (I wrote a little bit about that.) But then I thought, hmm, maybe I should pray about this, it's affecting my entire life and that's lame. So as I was doing that last night, I got this impression that said specifically, "You need to forgive him for what he's done to himself." Not You need to forgive him for hurting you and not You should talk to him and be friends. Holy crap.. I realized I hate him more for that, what he's done to himself, than for what he did to me. I feel insulted that he did so many bad things while appearing to be such a good person around me, spending time with me -- "the good girl" -- and doing so much crap on the side. Like I was absolutely no good influence at all. Nothing I did made any difference in him.

But I realized that I'm insulted, but not hurt. I know deep down that it's not my problem, it was his own issues and I did the best I could to help without pushing. There really wasn't anything else I could have done. I was fine back in February before I saw him, before I found out exactly everything he was doing to himself. The second I found out was when I got mad. I've been holding on to all these terrible feelings like I was slighted, but really they've just been because I'm mad at him for doing stupid things. I'm kind of over what he did to me, because I'm a buff girl and I can tie my own shoes and everything, but it's harder for me to forgive someone else for the things they're doing to themselves than what they're doing or have done to me. I care too much. I try too hard to make the world a better place that I get so emotionally tied up in helping, and get pissed off when nothing I do can make a difference. So, there we have it.

So, I've been hearing about "The Color Code" thing for forever, and I've always wanted to look into it and see what color I'd be. There's Red, Blue, White, and Yellow. I finally found it online (thecolorcode.com, who'da thunk?) and I took the 45 questions and I came out as White.

WHITES are motivated by PEACE.
They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, WHITES are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. WHITES are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, inexpressive, and silently stubborn. When others interact with you, as a WHITE you respond to them best if they are kind, accepting and supporting of your individuality, and if they look for non-verbal clues to understand your feelings.

Whites are independent. Unlike Reds, who want to control others, Whites seek only to avoid being controlled. They simply refuse to be under another's thumb, especially when treated without the respect they feel they deserve. Whites want to do things their way, in their own time. They do not ask much of others, and resent it when others demand things from them. They often comply with unreasonable demands - just to keep peace. They will only express their anger and frustration when they can no longer stand being bossed around. Whites do not like to be pushed, and they can be fearsome when they finally "blow up".

WHITE NEEDS:
To feel good (inside)
To be allowed their own space
Respect
Acceptance

WHITE WANTS:
To withhold insecurities
To please self/others
Independence
Contentment

My hair is getting long. That makes me happy. Being constantly but mildly sick for almost 2 weeks straight, however, does NOT make me happy. Alas. I need to get some antacid pills or maybe a bottle of sleep. Man if you could bottle sleep in hour pills.... holy crap. That person would be a billionaire in less time than it takes an elephant to fart. (Don't ask about the elephant fart thing... It's not okay!)

I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 08 May 2007 13:31:00 +0000

Go see Spiderman. It'll rock your world. Laughter and fury and confusion and tears and hope, all rolled into 2.5 hours of amazing effects and dialogue and music. I wish I remembered the quote from the very end, but I can't. Something about "the battles raging within". If anyone goes to see it and remembers that quote, leave me a comment!

I'm all moved in to my new apartment, sleeping there and everything. Or not sleeping, whichever you prefer.. haha. It's been cool so far, both of my roommates are seriously fun and our apartment is cute. I'm really super tired, especially in the morning. Yesterday I actually slept in a couple of hours accidentally, my alarm didn't go off! It was very unfortunate. Yeah, if I drank coffee, I'd sure be drinking a LOT. Life is good though. :) My new department at Dentrix is the bomb and I'm doing fairly well. (Except for being 3 hours late yesterday, that wasn't so much on the "cool" side. But even then, even my bosses were like "Oh don't worry, it totally happens!" Crazy!)

You know, body language -- especially the subtle kind that you don't even realize you're doing -- can be quite telling. At the same time, how can you trust someone else's subconscious? Since last year and all the events it contained, I've been doubting my intuition. Apparently it actually can be very very wrong.

I got to be Ninja of the Day last week in training at Convergys. Apparently it's pretty cool that I tried to get everyone in my training class to all go out together to the midnight Friday night showing of Spiderman 3, even though only 6 people actually went. I don't think I deserve Ninja of the Day just cuz of that, though... the idea was 95% selfishly motivated.. :) Plus, I think Liz (my new trainer) could see that I wasn't feeling particularly bubbly or happy for the first part of class that day and took pity on me. Then we played Mafia and Signs and Chinese Writing for the last 3 hours of class. Man I love that class! We tried playing games with another class that's training for Cingular, but they were super lame and immature and annoying, so we're sticking with the 12 people just in our own class. We're too cool for other people anyway. Honestly, every single person in my class is really cool. Some have their own special brand of cool, but they're still nice and fun and not completely retarded. Our trainer says we're closer than any class she's seen. We had an awesome ice-breaker the first day. One of the girls, Ashlee, got everybody to show one weird thing they can do with their body. Like I can make the BEST pig face in the world, one girl can fold her eyelids inside out, one guy can suck his top lip into his nose, etc etc. It was really funny.

My first training class wasn't nearly as cool. There were a couple of cool people, but overall mostly everyone stuck to themselves and were kind of spikey. Seriously everyone gets along. We're doing really well and our test scores are always super high, and I really think that's because everyone gets along and is really comfortable with eachother. There's no roadblock that's caused by awkwardness, because there isn't any awkwardness.

So, there's a guy. Sort of. There's a possibility, let's just put it like that. He's really shy until you get to know him, and even then he's still pretty shy and really quiet. He's not hugely social, also until you get to know him. (Both of the above are totally on the "plus" side of the pro-con list. I've had enough of the outgoing social butterflies, they're more likely to go off with someone "more interesting".) He says he's "boring" and that he spends a lot of time reading. He likes to cook, he's taking a ton of really awesome and challenging classes in the Fall, and he's got a smile to die for. You know, one of those smiles that if you didn't already think he was attractive before you saw him smile, you definitely do after. It's a really sweet smile, very unassuming and honest. And by honest I mean it's the kind of smile that says "I wouldn't actually smile if I didn't think that was funny/cool/etc".

Cons: he's just shy of a couple months younger than me, turning 20 on the 15th. He's not sure if he's going to go on a mission or not.. If he's not going to go on a mission, then I'm not sure he's the one I'd want to date. If he does go on a mission, then I don't want to date him and fall for him just to have him leave for 2 years.

Oh, what to do.

I don't even know if the reason I want him to like me is because I really do like him or because I really really just want to be with someone. Especially since I'm going to be having to face Eric every day pretty soon. I saw him yesterday when my class went y-jacking. I sat down the row and didn't really acknowledge him until he came down the row and said hello. Even then, I tried to make my face pleasant and friendly but I don't think it worked very well. Guess my heart wasn't in to being friendly and nice to him. He looked good, though. He toned up and cut his hair and doesn't seem like he's smoking pot anymore. Ugh. I looked good yesterday too, so HA! I wore pink. I actually look good in pink, and I've lost like 10 lbs and you can sort of see it now. Maybe the whole "working 2 full-time jobs" thing is good for my body. Minus the lack of sleep.

Anyway!

I also don't know if part of the reason I'm questioning it and almost shying away from it is because I'm scared. Well, I am scared. There are too many guys that are such pond scum, and there definitely seem to be plenty of them at Convergys... It's like a scum-magnet. I'm just nervous that I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I feel like I'm ready to start something new and I don't have any problems with commitment anymore, but I don't want to get into something without knowing more. So I won't. And I'm definitely not making the first move, but even though he's opening up more and more, I can't picture someone as shy as him jumping off that ledge. Alas. Maybe it'll stick to a standstill.

In the meantime, it's fun. At least I'm distracting myself without hurting anyone else.

We play with these smelly markers in class, and the orange one seriously smells like Sunkist soda. Oh man, I would drink that marker if it wasn't so bad. It's so not okay.

Mother of all updates

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:51:00 +0000

Upcoming concerts in Utah that I want to go to:

April 30th - Gwen Stefani - Delta Center ($60)
June 5th - The Veronicas - Avalon ($12)
July 7th - Warped Tour - Fair Grounds ($73)
September 11th - Keith Urban & The Wreckers - Delta Center ($95)

I love it when people are on hold for 4 minutes and 12 seconds and immediately say, "I've been on hold for FOREVER and FINALLY someone picked up." I bet that doctor uses the Microwave directions on the Pop-Tarts box. Seriously, man.. loosen up your schedule a bit.

Not sure what I'm going to do about this summer. I'm going to be working my butt off with one full-time and one part-time job, with balancing a couple of online classes (which actually should be pretty fun and easy). I'm not 100% sure about moving out into the apartment I've been seriously considering moving to. The plan was to move out next month into an apartment down in Provo with my good friend Jaimie. We'd each have a private room, with 2 other roommates. Rent would be about $200 a month, which really isn't bad at all. My rent last year in my severely ghetto (but awesome) apartment by the stadium was $135, plus any utilities above $40. (I only ended up paying about $20 in utilities total for the whole summer. Woot!) It would be a TOTAL blast, Jaimie is so fun and I love living out on my own. However, I really love living at my dad and stepmom's house too, despite the stigma of "living with your parents" which really isn't a stigma yet at my age anyway. I have as much freedom as I would living out on my own, plus lots more free food, rent, laundry, air conditioning, and a pet. I could afford it, really. I don't know though, it would cost about $800-$1000 more overall to move out than it would to stay at home, above the regular costs of what I'm doing right now. That's quite a bit of money.. One of the main points of living with my parents was to get on top of things with finances, to pay off my car and have enough money for school and not go in to debt. I don't think I'd go into debt out in an apartment for the summer, but that'd be $800-$1000 that I'd be down. I could be saving that for France next year. I could use that extra money to help pay off my car.

I could also use some of that money to go to Hawaii at the end of May... Hehe AND I still gotta figure out when and how I'm gonna go visit Maryland this summer. :)

This has been a year for many travels! So far this year.. February -- Denver. March -- Vegas and Disneyland. April -- New Mexico. Yes, I went to New Mexico this weekend! Finally, all four of "the siblings" were together in one place at one time. Sarah and Jason (my sister and brother-in-law) drove down with their kids from Denver, and Jenna and I drove down from here. We left about 2:30 PM on Friday and got to Albuquerque around 12:30 or so, checked into a hotel and totally crashed. The whole of Saturday was spent hanging out with Robert, his kids, Sarah and Jason and their kids. Jenna, Rob, and I went and had breakfast/lunch at the restaurant where he works, then picked up his two little girls Audi and Ambri. Then we went to the mall to see Hailey, their older daughter. She's about 14, and she's got a boooooyfriend. We all went to the zoo (sans Hailey and the boooooyfriend) which was a total blast despite all the animals being NOT out in their areas. There were some peacocks chilling around the bushes though. Good times. :-D Then we went to a park, took some "four siblings" pictures for the first time since I was about 11 years old, then hung out at Rob's place for a bit.

Then Jenna and I decided to drive home that night instead of sleeping and driving home the next day. Whew! Craziness. It was alright, overall. The last hour could have been potentially disastrous, but we made it home safe and sound around 6 AM. :-D It really was a good trip. I'm sure Jenna has posted tons of pictures on her blog (or will shortly) so I'll save the space on mine. :)

So my work computer exploded. Ever heard or imagined the sound of a carrier jet taking off? Yeah, my CPU fan became a carrier jet. I spent most of Friday and a good portion of today getting a computer figured out that would let me actually use what I needed to use for doing my job. :-D It was fun! I got to play with computers and install and sit on my bum not taking phone calls, AND be approved for it. Sweet!

Speaking of jobs, I start training back at Convergys today. Should be interesting.. I'm kind of excited, actually. There's potential for making lots of new friends, since there's a huge new bunch of people working there and I'll be with my training group for probably 3-4 weeks. This summer I WILL be avoiding the mistake I made last summer, that finally is coming to a final resolute resting place.

I wrote these lyrics, while listening to my friend Kr5is's new song. They've been tweaked a little bit since then and will continue to be tweaked:

Your eyes, colors of the universe
Color the universe inside my soul
Your symphony dazzling before my eyes
And I am taken.
This feeling soft like feathers
Held in secret under wing
Filed away between moments of life
And our hearts left unbroken
Sand through the glass
Slowly playing all too fast
Swirling through the air
Between here and now, tomorrrow
Colors shift and twirl through your hair
Shifting too hard, becoming a blur
So mistaken, now forsaking you.
You couldn’t see my face
Trust, you have been misplaced
Somewhere beneath dusty rugs and linen laced with lies
You said you'd be there
Sand through the glass
Slips through the cracks
Slowly hurrying to lick the wound left behind
And I realize
Sand through the glass
Slips through the cracks
Never lost, going back home
Eyes opening slowly knowingly now
They're going back home
They’re going back home
I’m going back home

And yeah. Ummm... yeah. I haven't really written any sort of poetry/lyrics that I was at all happy with in about a year and a half, probably. I've gotten really good at repressing things. So good, in fact, that recently all those repressed feelings of anger and hurt bubbled to the surface just at the moment I thought things were fine. The past two months have practically been the journey all over again. Those lyrics, they're my journey. I can't image the words and phrases make too much sense all jumbled together like that, but it makes perfect sense to my experience.

Since this has been the mother of updates, I'm going to be wrapping this up. Tell me what you think of the lyrics, if you read them! :)

Motivation and registration

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 02:26:00 +0000

I don't know what happened this morning, but holy crap. I woke up this morning with all kinds of excitement and motivation. I have a plan! Yes, that's right. Hoddie has a plan! I haven't had a plan in forever.

Here's the plan:
I'm going to be a workaholic this summer. First, there is a 99.9% chance that I will be in a different department by the end of this month. I'll be making a ton more money. I'm going to change my schedule so I'm working 6:30-3:00 or 7:00-3:30. Then, get this.. I'm going back to Convergys. There is a training class that starts at 3:00 and goes till 11:00. Since I worked there for freaking 7 months, I'm almost certain they'll be able to work with me on getting to training an hour late, and possibly even knocking a week or two off of the 5 weeks of class and 2 weeks of nesting. I decided to go back for a couple of reasons, but the main reason is tuition reimbursement. Which leads me to the other part of my plan.

I registered for two online classes at UVSC: Sociology 1010 and Intro to Theater. The Sociology class is what I need to start working on my Sociology:R&A major, because I HAVE to start it this summer, but just physically can't take the in-class class at BYU. Plus, it's not offered online or through Independent Study with BYU... So, hence the UVSC thing. The Intro To Theater class fulfills one of the GE requirements I haven't done yet, AND it sounds really easy and fun. Most of it will be reading "exceptional" plays and going to performances. I love theater, I love plays, I love reading, and I don't mind typing up brief summaries/reviews. Sweet! It's going to still be pretty expensive to do just those two classes, which is what brought me back to thinking about Convergys. Tuition reimbursement really is seriously awesome.

So, I'll be working my BUTT off for about 5-6 weeks, going from about 7 AM till 11 PM. Yes, that kind of sucks, but after 3:30, my day is just sitting around listening to a whole lot of stuff I already know, and getting paid pretty good money for it. After training is over, I'll work part-time in the afternoons, still working full time at Dentrix, cuz I love that place and the insurance rocks.

When fall comes, I'll have another decision to make.. Stay at Dentrix or stay at Convergys? I won't be able to do both. But that's a decision for Fall, not for summer. I'm gonna work my butt off for a month of summer, then make TONS of money, still have a total blast with making friends in my apartment at The Branbury with my cool future roomie Jaimie.

Also, I already have my schedule for Fall semester planned out. I'll be taking Soc 300, 306, RELA 211, French 201, and one other undecided class. I already have times and teachers picked out too. :) They all end by 12:00 PM! Now, to pay my overdue fees so I can get the Cashier's Office hold on my records removed so I can actually register.

Motivation and excitement totally rock. I don't know what happened, but seriously, I need more days like today.

Disneyland and Las Vegas rocked. Best vacations ever. I'll eventually probably get some pictures posted, because I mean there are only about 3,000 of them..

May = Moving out, starting a second job, going to Denver to see WICKED!

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Lil' Brudder, can you give me some sound financial advice?

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 21:55:00 +0000

Okay, so I've got two huge options, with one of them having a couple of sub-options.

Move to Atlanta for 6 months to a year, OR
Stay in Utah and either:

Start working in the Sales department ASAP
Stick around in High Tech until "the end" or until another offer comes along

Moving to Atlanta is really appealing, for several reasons:
1) I would be spending a year in a brand new town all by myself (well, with my sister) for the first time in my life.
2) Having work isn't an issue -- that's the whole reason I'd move out there, to move where my current job is moving.
3) I'd be living in close proximity to basically everything under the sun you could think of, there would never be a shortage of this thing called "having a life".
4) I'd be closer to my cousins (in North and South Carolina), closer to Maryland, and close to Florida!
5) It would just overall be incredibly fun and potentially one of those life experiences that most people get when they go off to college. I never had that phase, really, since going to college was basically just like going home. Yeah, I missed Maryland, but it wasn't like being in this new place with new people and a totally different culture than anything I've known.

Staying here would allow me to get through another couple of semesters and go to Paris for study abroad in Fall 2008. Staying here would be the sensible thing to do. Finish school. It's already going to take me an extra year and a half to graduate. It's not risky to stay here, just finish school and find a guy and settle down and plant some roots.

And honestly, I really can't figure out which one I want to do more. Go to Atlanta and put the 2nd option off for a year or finish school as fast as humanly possible?

What should I do?? What would YOU do?

The joker and me went on our way

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 06:29:00 +0000

Songs that I can officially play all the way through on guitar, with singing and sounding fairly decent:

The Wreckers - Leave the Pieces
The Wreckers - Lay Me Down
The Wreckers - Cigarettes
Lifehouse - You and Me
Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
Avil Lavigne - Keep Holding On
KT Tunstall - Other Side of the World
KT Tunstall - Heal Over
BBMak - Out Of My Heart
Corey Crowder - Here's Lookin' At You, Kid
System Of A Down - Roulette
Howie Day - Collide

It looks like a long-ish list, but seriously.. most of those songs use the same 3 or 4 chords, just in different progressions. Haha I'm working on a couple more, and possibly some original stuff.. But that's gonna take a while. Give me recommendations on songs to check out and learn! I need to find some challenging songs to work my fingers and get better.

Weird weekend. I'm almost glad it's over, minus the fact that I don't get to sleep in again for another 6 days. A lot of things in my life feel like they're about to break loose and spin out of control, and I'll definitely be trying my hardest to stop that from happening. Find a niche, settle in, calm down and be patient.

I miss my mom.

Mmmm... time for sleep. Yes, definitely. Sleep is a perfect synonym for Happiness.

I had a dream about you

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 04:48:00 +0000

I was contemplating doing an entry asking whoever read it to just leave a one or two word comment, just to find out how many people read this thing. But then I realized I would probably never update again, because knowing how many people are reading my blog would be kind of disturbing, even though that's kind of the point of "blogging". So I'll remain in my blissful state of ignorance.

I feel like I'm picking things up at work. I mean yeah, I'm picking up on more of the actual work-related information, but I'm getting more than just that. It's a whole way of thinking, of analyzing problems, figuring out when, where, and how the problem started and what you can do to fix it. If the brain is just a more complex computer, shouldn't there be some sort of shortcuts? Seriously, imagine if you could just right click on your brain and select "Manage". Or if you could map your brain to another brain and be able to share the ideas/feelings/memories you want to share. Wouldn't that make things a lot simpler? Yeah.

I have more direction with school stuff, and I'm getting impatient to get started. It's going to take me at least another 3 years, but at least now I know what I'm going to do. Now all that's left is to figure out how to fit work in there. I still don't know where I'll end up with this whole Dexis-taking-over-the-department-I-just-barely-joined thing, but whatever happens I absolutely must start taking classes this summer. I'm not as worried about paying for school anymore, which is really nice, mainly because I started filing my tax returns last night. My W2 from Convergys hasn't come yet, but I started filing for Maryland, and maaaan it's beautiful. With my regular paychecks, plus my tax return, plus whatever the bonus turns out to be, I'll be completely out of debt by the end of this summer. Woot. I'm so sick of having that hanging over me.. It'll be nice to be on top again, and able to save for school and Europe and all that fun stuff the future brings, and stop having money run my life.

Sometimes you can try to overwrite a memory or an emotion with something else. But every now and then, like a badly re-recorded VHS tape, bits and pieces of those memories and emotions surface on the screen again. Like when you get a random phone call from someone you didn't expect to ever call you again. And you find out that person has been asking about you, concerned you're mad at them. And you pass them driving on your way home, see that stupid half-attatched license plate... Lame.

Potluck tomorrow.

I learned another few songs on the guitar tonight. Sweet! How can a day get better, really?
1) Finding out how much money I'm going to get back from the government
2) Baking more delicious edible cookies
3) Feeling more and more comfortable with guitar, something I've been wanting for about 3 years.
4) Going to bed early!

Yes, I'm gonna go work on #4 right now. Goodnight!

It's an arms race

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 06:24:00 +0000

You know how some people have a comfort blanket or a specific comfort food they turn to in those times where you just need that little something to settle your mind or run away from things? Well, I have a comfort guitar. Playing my guitar for my fish really gives me an odd sense of security. Probably because my fish doesn't have an opinion one way or the other, he's just glad there's someone around. Whenever I play, he swims to the middle of the roots and just sits there and stares at me. Sometimes he'll take a lap or two around the tank, but then settle back into his staring-at-me position.

Money situations are starting to get a lot better. Still way too much to pay for, and a few things I need to get rid of, but overall things are far more manageable now. I tell you what, though.. I seriously can't wait for my tax return. It seriously better be good and fat. Also, I'm crossing my fingers that the "Transition" lasts through the summer. Yay for big fat bonuses. :)

2007 is going to be devoted to paying off my car, paying off my credit cards, and saving up money to go to Europe.

I don't know what to think of things. The one thing I do know is that I'm way more screwed up now, not to mention less optimistic and more cynical about people's intentions and motivations. I'm not sure if I should quit while I'm ahead, or stop being an idiot and calm down and be patient. Then again, patience really didn't work out so well last time.

Can I right click on my brain and select "manage"? Yeah, that'd be great. To see all the components laid out, to be able to Update or uninstall whichever components aren't working properly. Mmmm.... brain defrag..

That is all.

Making it for yourself

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 00:34:00 +0000

You know that feeling you have after a really good, really fun date? Yeah. Good times. I guess I should update about it, mainly because typing is faster than writing and I want to remember it.

I left work on time, about 5:30. I headed home, because my family had made dinner specially so I could eat it too.. (They made chicken rice alfredo! It was goood..) So I got down to Sam's apartment at about 7:00. I talked to his roommate Andy for a minute, then Sam and I left and headed out for our "fishing" adventure.

Our first stop was D.I. to look for fishing hats and other necessary fishing stuffs. We spent like an hour trying on all kinds of hideous hats, and eventually found these two hats that were actually pretty decent. They kind of match in style, one is green and one is red. After the hat issue was tackled, we found this little stuffed killer whale. Then we found a jump rope for our "fishing rope" haha.. And poor whale, he got noose-ed! Sam made a little noose with the jump rope, to "catch" the whale. AND we found a net! haha It's this little fake plastic tennis racket, and the string isn't really tight together, so it was the net. And, of course, we had the bait... Gummy worms! In addition to getting said fish paraphernalia, we took some pictures with my phone and got some posters for his room.

After that, we headed out to actually GET the fish. He wanted a betta fish, in a vase with a peace lily. (Yay for automatic feeding!) So first we went to Petco to pick out the perfect fish. It took a while to find the perfect one, and the race came down to three potentials.. One dark blue one with red tinting, one very red (and very feisty) one, and a really cool looking multi-colored crowntail betta. The dark blue one was kind of lazy and apathetic... In other words, it was boring. The crowntail was a little concerning, as it swam in really odd patterns.. sometimes sideways.. haha Plus, the red one really was the coolest one, from the beginning. He was all feisty and in-your-face. Muahahaha. You gotta have a fish with personality, ya know?

Then we went to Home Depot to search for the plant, and had a really great conversation on the way there... But man, you wouldn't think it'd be so hard to find a peace lily!! We finally found one after about 30-45 minutes, but it was really hard because it didn't have any blossoms on it. It was just leaves, which happens, it's fine.. But there wasn't a name on the pot, so it was a matter of comparing the leaves to pictures of the plant in all the books in the Garden department. hehe

Then, off to Wal-Mart to get the vase and the rocks! Since the fish is red, Sam wanted to get black rocks, and then sift out some white rocks from the small size. So cool! He has the greatest creative ideas, I swear. After we finally had everything we needed, we headed back to my house to put it all together.

Sam played the piano for a few minutes while I made some room on the kitchen counters to do the stuff. (My dad has just installed one of those "under the cabinet cd player/radio" things, and all the contents of that cabinet were all over the counters and such.) He's an amazing piano player. You can tell just by listening to him play that he's really comfortable with it. Some people play the piano like it's a constant performance, always sort of stressing about it. He plays like breathing, just very natural and flowing.

Getting all the soil out of the roots of the plant was a team effort, haha. But that finally got done, and we set about sorting all the whites and blacks out of the little rocks, while listening to Brian Regan on my laptop. My little sister helped us, it was so fun. We put on the Comedy Central Presents video, cuz Sam hadn't seen it, and my dad watched with us too. He was really cool about meeting my family, totally asking my little sister questions and acting really relaxed with my dad there too. It was such a blast!

It took until about 11:15 to get the vase set up with the rocks (and I changed my fish's water too), but then I took him home. He had to sneak the fish into his apartment, all secretively like... I dubbed him 00Sam. (Okay, it sounds cooler out loud. Say it! "Double-O Sam".. almost like double-0 seven.. ANYWAY. So he finally got the fish in his room without getting caught, then came back out to get the posters he got and say goodbye and everything.

And the night ended with a goodbye hug, and then a nice very traffic-free drive home which included a call to Jaimie, since I'd missed her call earlier that night. :)

I guess you could say it was a really typical Provo first date, but I'm beginning to appreciate that idea more and more. For the kind of relationship I want, things need to start out slow and progress naturally without being forced on either end. It feels really good though.

Yeah, things may not go very far, it may not work out in the end. But that's kind of okay. I'm not really scared about getting in to this. This marks a turning point in the type of guys I date. (Namely: I dated guys who are bad for me. Now I'm going to date guys who aren't jerks.)

Plus, I had a blast going fishin', AND I have a cute hat, a jump rope, a little stuffed whale, and memories of a fun adventure with a fantastic guy. Very good times. :)

Cowboys ride into sunsets
The good guy always gets the girl
Cinderella has just fit
The glass slipper that changed her world
We all know the stories
We all know the fairy tales
We all get the glory
Of making it for ourselves
From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

La-hooo-za-hair. Loser.

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 23:28:00 +0000

So, it's funny what you learn everything about someone you could have loved once. Drinking and doing pot while dating me and seeming to be such a clean person. What a hypocrite, what a loser.
I never thought this song would literally apply to my life, but hey, it does. Or, it did. Things are going to be so much better now. Sometimes you just need a new face around. :) Someone who actually IS what they appear to be.

You loser.

It's funny when you think it's gonna work out
Till you chose weed over me, you’re so lame

I thought you were cool until the point,
Up until the point you didn't call me when you said you would
Finally figured out you're all the same,
Always coming up with some kind of story

Every time I try to make you smile,
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Every time I try to make you laugh,
You can't, you're too tough
You think you're loveless
Was it too much that I asked you for?

Thought you'd come around when I ignored you,
Sorta thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe I guess you didn't take that warning,
’Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You can't see the world through a mirror.

C- is for Poli Sci, that's good enough for me..

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 23:53:00 +0000

Holy ca-rap.

I got a C- in Poli Sci. Now, I know some of you might look at that sentence and think, "Man, I bet she's upset about that." But no, you would be wrong. I'm totally ecstatic! I literally thought I was going to fail. Like, fail fail. I got a C-! WOOT! I got a better grade in the class than I got on any of the tests, lol.. I am a new fan of the whole "curve" idea.

So my grades were overall better than I thought they would be. Only sad thing: I got a B+ in French 102. Triste! I thought I was going to get an A in that class.. But my GPA for the semester comes out overall to 3.0, so that's much much better than the last 2 semesters.. haha Granted, I really could have done better, had I worked harder. I know I didn't work as hard as I could.. But still, it's decent and it's good to know my grades and that I'm no longer on academic probation at BYU. Eat that, priority registration date!

Updates to come about:
-Work
-Christmas
-Guitar
-Knee
-Melting Pot
-Boy
-Babies

(Important: Note that the last two are completely unrelated.)

PS - BDoyle, I don't think I'll get to do a post a day, but I'll try at least once a week!

Call me Hosley

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:00:00 +0000

That's it.. I'm fairly certain I failed my Poli Sci final, and thus fail the class. And by fail I really mean that I hope I got a D. I seem to be habitually taking all these classes that I completely love but totally fail. How red-ick-you-loss. (Go ahead, sound it out, you Mad Gab fiend!)

But, good and happy news..
*I'm fairly certain I got A's in both French 101 and 102, which is a nice fat 8 credits of A's.
*I am completely done with the semester, and since I'm not really doing classes next semester, I'm free to work and have a life!
*I had a really great conversation with someone close to me on Saturday night.
*Saw Eragon. It was pretty good, actually.
*I started my new job! I'm still training, but I'm having a total blast. I just feel so good here. It's gonna be a rock awesome sweet job. (and drinks and snacks are totally only 35 cents from the vending machines, which if you ask my wallet, is a very happy thing.) The people are so freakin cool, the job is challenging, and I get my own desk. HA! Take that, Convergys!
*I get the basement in the new house I'm moving to in February! This is my "I'm SO excited!" face. I was really hoping that one of my future roommates doesn't actually want it, and she doesn't, so I officially get the basement. Woot.
*Sam is coming back to Utah in a week. Awesome.
*Christmas is in on freaking Monday. Guess I should probably go shopping... haha
*I get to talk to my momma on Saturday or Sunday. And I haven't gotten to talk to her in almost 6 months.

Aaaand, I think that's about it for now. :) Lots of happiness, lots of fun. Lots of stress that will soon be over.

HA. Another update.

Q: What did the chicken say to the duck?
A: What's up, duck?

As the eyelids slide slowly closed..

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 09:53:00 +0000

Am I the only one who sits here staring at the blank textbox for a long time before actually writing something? Hmm. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's 1:40 AM.

It feels weird to type with my left hand. Since I got my guitar back from my sister on Sunday, I've played it every single day. I learned 2 new full songs, which is kind of a big deal because I only knew 2 full songs before this week. So yay, now I know 4. They're all pretty, and 3 of them are way super easy. One of the new ones this week was kinda hard to get down, at my level. But now I can play all 4 songs straight through at full speed and sing along too. LJ, wow! I'm a big kid now.
Anyway, the point is -- it feels weird to type with my left hand because of the calluses that are forming on my fingertips. That is all.

Man, I'm so tired. But I really want to update, as this has been the greatest weekend I've had in a really long time. And the best part? No Bumface! This weekend was the first weekend in 6 months where I didn't even want to see him. In fact, there was someone else I wanted to see and fortunately got to see for about an hour and a half last night/this morning. This "someone else" shall be updated about at a later time. :) But, Friday started off pretty well, with my accidental sleeping in and missing of classes, which resulted in my waking up really refreshed and rested. Got my paycheck deposited in the bank, went and did my drug test for my new job, and then had a great day at work.. I talked to Jake, my team leader, and officially gave my resignation. I won't really be working this week, I'll just be using my 18.5 hours of PTO (paid time off) and working maybe an hour a day, IF that. But not Wednesday!....heheh.. Wednesday holds big plans.. Anyway!

After I left work, I just came home and relaxed for a couple of hours. Played guitar, talked to my family, ate dinner.. The whole shebang. Went to Laura's party, "Bomb Voyage" haha. I stayed there for about 45 minutes, then left to go meet up with my really good friend Jaimie at the UVSC Institute dance. I'd never been to one before.. I was basically picturing it to be a lame, bigger version of the retarded stake dances back home. But it was surprisingly awesome! We ended up in this big group of people, some people from work and friends and friends' friends, and we were all dancing right in the middle of the packed floor. They played pretty good music and it was incredibly liberating, to just let go and go crazy and have a blast with awesome people, even did Karaoke with Jaimie and the Johns (Ricky Bobby and John John) and Alex. Yay for Twist & Shout! haha

After the dance ended at midnight, we all decided to go out to IHOP, but the IHOP here in Orem was totally packed, so we drove up to the one in American Fork. Oh man... the drive up there was awesome, the food was awesome, the conversations and laughing attacks and the waiters were all awesome, aaand the fact that I didn't have to pay for my food was pretty awesome too. :-D And, of course, since it was a Friday night and we were all incredibly hyper, there was no way we were calling it a night at only 2:30 AM. So we did what any group of college students will do. Wal-Mart, baby! We walked around Wal-Mart for a little while before discovering the perfectly positioned TV and game of Guitar Hero just sitting there waiting to be played by any passersby, along with cushions and chairs and an empty shelf. Lots of fun, great success. :-D I even got a turn at Guitar Hero, even though I totally sucked at it, hahah.. I had texted Ben and told him to come to Wal-Mart on his way home from work if he wanted to, since I knew he gets off work at 3AM. He showed up right as I was starting my turn at GuitarHero. Great fun! I totally didn't get home until 5:00 this morning, that's how long we sat around chilling in the aisle in Wal-Mart.... and it was beautiful.

Lots of hyper, crazy fun times yesterday. Today was a bit more low key, but still totally awesome. Got a new watch (as mine fell off somewhere in transit from work to home, how unfortunate), hung out with Pavel, played guitar, went to Fazoli's with Jaimie and John John (not Ricky Bobby) aaaand then watched Home Alone with everyone back at RickyBobby's house. Good times, good times indeed.

I feel a certain freedom. It's been coming for a couple of weeks, but it really solidified last night. I may not know how I feel about certain things, but I definitely know what I don't feel, and that is how I used to feel. It really is done, and it's such a huge relief.

Yay, one more week till I start Dentrix. I'm excited and terrified and antsy and nervous all at the same time. I feel quite a bit out of my league, and it will be a challenge, but I'm up to it.

Holy crap, I'm unbelievably tired... Definitely bedtime. Very definitely.

But the future is bright once again.

Good night.

C'est la fin

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 06:36:00 +0000

It's December. Lots of things end in December -- the end of the semester, the end of the long built-up anticipation for Christmas, the last of Fall weather, the end of the last few pennies spent on holiday gifts... But for me, this December holds more endings and beginnings than that. Yes, the semester is ending, which is a BIG relief, and which also ends my academic probationary status at BYU. But this month is bringing the end of my dead-end job at Convergys. After next Saturday, I won't be working for Cingular anymore -- I'll be working in the High Tech department at a company called Dentrix. So many things are so much better there. Yeah, I'll be kind of out of my league for a couple of weeks until I catch up and catch on to everything that's involved, and get to know the software I'll be supporting and all of that, but overall it feels like it's just going to be a lot better than where I am right now. Better pay, awesome benefits, awesome people, awesome experience, better work environment.. You know. All the goods.

I'm finally ending the Bumface chapter of my life, as well. It's ending in my head and in my heart, despite the fact that in reality there probably wasn't much there to end. It should have ended a long time ago, but hey, what is December for but to have some things come to a close, to make way for bigger and better things in the year to come? I'll be out of his life, and more importantly, he'll be out of my life. At this point, after everything that's happened, he would have to do something pretty drastic to keep me around. I've done my part, I tried hard, but you know what they say about beating a dead horse.

I'm moving in to a house in February. Sweet!! It's such a gorgeous place with really cheap rent and toons of space. There's a huge fenced in backyard with a weeping willow, perfect view of Mt. Timpanogos on the northern side and a perfect place to watch the sunsets towards the west. The girls I'll be living with are completely amazing, and one of them will be bringing her dog to live with us. So, great roommates and a beautiful house and my own room and a sweet dog and freedom and independence.. That spells perfection.

Also, December has brought the end of my beta fish. RIP, Fish! You will be missed. I'm sorry I killed you by changing your water. I won't do that to my next fish, I promise. You didn't die in vain!

Goodbye Convergys. Hello Techiedom!

Time for a change

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 02:01:00 +0000

Well, it's time for many changes.

Hopefully at least one of those big changes will be happening by the end of the week, which will spur some other big changes.

Finally!

chicgeekchicgeekchicgeekchicgeek.. Bring on the geekness!

By the time you lose it you're not afraid

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 02:02:00 +0000

So it's basically been almost a month since I last updated. How retarded.

I'm not really sure what to say when I'm feeling like this. When I'm feeling anything, really. I used to be really good at expressing my emotions through written words. I used to write poetry like crazy, not to mention journal entries and various rants and ramblings. But now, I just don't anymore and I'm not sure why. I'm constantly thinking, constantly feeling, but somehow I never think or feel in words. The translator is broken, or maybe things are just too complex now. No, that's not it either. Emotions are always fundamentally the same. There are varying degrees and strengths, and of course the situation always changes so it never seems to feel the same. But really, if you feel scared of something, it's fundamentally the same as the first time you ever felt fear.

Maybe that's not always true.

So, since I can't ever really express things, I listen to songs instead. There's a certain art to expressing your own feelings through songs you hear, of listening a song and interpreting what you think it means compared to how you feel, and recognizing how the way you feel influences your version of the song. What a song means to you isn't necessarily what it meant to the writer or another listener. I don't know, I think I never make any sense to anyone but myself.

The way this song speaks to me describes things perfectly. The fear, the confusion, wanting to let go but being so utterly trapped in a certain mindset that you can't let yourself be happy. It's what I see happening, and I know there's something I could do, but I have no idea what or how or when. All those one-worded questions that float around in the vast expanse between what makes sense and what actually is seem to only have one answer... and I can't find it. I'm the Tuatha'an, always searching for The Song, a song that probably never was and might never be. But they keep searching, over thousands of years. Maybe they won't ever find it. Maybe I won't ever find it. Maybe that's okay.

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memory
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here..

The fear, the confusion, wanting to let go but being so utterly trapped in a certain mindset that you can't let yourself be happy. Every time you get it, you throw it away. You let it slip away because you're scared. Once you finally decide to let go, once you're finally ready, you've already lost the chance. You see me, you know me, you feel for me, and worst of all, you know I see you, know you, and feel for you. You know I understand you, and that scares the pants off you. You put on the charade of narcissism, but what you really want is for someone to love you, yet you're terrified of letting yourself feel that way again. There's a place you saw me follow, a place inside your head where you thought no one could understand. Just a taste of what could be, that's all you let yourself have before wrapping yourself back in your cocoon, before sending your emotions off for hibernation again. You're out of breath, but I've got plenty to spare. You ran backwards, trying to block it off, refusing to truly feel for someone again because your internal failsafe warned of possible danger. So you shrug it off as if it didn't matter to you and you write in your journal another memory of another girl. What did you write about me, I wonder? Or have you written it yet at all?

I want to stay there, caught in your way forever. Caught in the way of your retreat. You haven't fully retreated from me yet, you're still attatched. You're happy around me, whether you admit it to yourself or not. Sometimes your mask slips off and you show the sincerity you try to cover up with bravado and sarcasm. What exactly is keeping you around, and what exactly is keeping you away?

You can't live there forever. Someone will pull you out of your self-prolonged pain, spin you around until you're raw but clean and you can start breathing again. I don't know when, where, who, or how, but it will happen, and you will love it and remember how to be happy.

Eat that.

Well in fact..

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 05:33:00 +0000

Well, I suppose I haven't updated in quite a while. I've kind of lost interest in writing about my life in here. When I write about something it usually goes out to MD in Email# style (<4) but I suppose I should make some kind of update to keep it "active". haha

Life... life has been quite interesting. I guess it's kind of always interesting, just in different ways. Or, in the same ways but because of different things or people that make it feel like a whole new experience.

What I don't understand is why I can't get over it. I mean, this whole situation has just kind of sucked. The first month or so was fantastic, but as soon as I realized that even without thoughts of the military, things weren't going anywhere, I should have bolted. But no, I have estrogen and wear makeup, so I stuck around. Because I knew how awesome things could be, and because I actually felt really good about things and believed it was reciprocated. Whether it's truly "fear of commitment" that's keeping things like this is still questionable in my mind, even though the reasons do make total sense. And if it is true, then how unfair is it that I should have to miss out on something really great because of a mistake some stupid slut made a year ago? Yeah, not cool man, not cool.

Truth is, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt and angry, as if we had actually had a relationship. I mean, it was 4 months of nothing but knowing that we liked eachother, but even 4 months of nothing is still kind of something. And true, I don't have to cut it off. I don't have to pull away and distance myself and make myself get over him. But seriously. Holy crap. If I feel this crappy after only 4 months of nothing, how horrible would it be after 5 months? 6 months? How long would I let it go on? Yeah I am kind of a pushover. When I really want something to work, I stick around and try to make it work until there's absolute proof that it's NEVER going to work.

I've gone on a few dates. I've flirted with other guys who flirt right back. But I always feel kind of physically sick, with this really really strong feeling of wrong-ness. I don't want to flirt with anyone else, I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. And how freaking retarded is that? We're not even dating!!

I had a Y-Jacker today at work (someone who sits and listens in on your calls, it's a training method) and he was pretty cool. His name is Colby, he's from just up Provo Canyon. We got along pretty well. He's not really my type, so to speak, but still, cool people are cool people. Anyway, I guess we were flirting a bit, but I didn't really realize it until I went on break. Bumface McGee was sitting just a desk away, and the whole last hour of work, he didn't say anything and didn't turn around at all. He was doing his "I'm pissed but trying really hard not to show it" thing that he does whenever he's upset, because he usually refuses to show it. Now, as he had been in a great mood earlier, he was either pissed because of one of his calls, or he was being territorial. It's unlikely it was a phone call, because he rebounds really fast from those -- I mean he's been in inbound customer support for like 3 years.

Ugh. I'm just... I don't know. I'm trying to not care about it, but it's not working too well.

Anyway!!

Happy things:
-I got a 96% on my first French exam. Sweet!
-From October 1st until the end of December, we get "holiday pay" which is just $1.50 more per hour, given in two pay-outs: one in mid-November, the other at the end of December. Also SWEET! More money! It's like a temporary raise. Awesome.
-My fish totally rocks.
-I'm going to go see my sister in Denver soon. Not sure when exactly, but hopefully by the end of the month! I've been dying to go on a road trip, and I might as well to go Denver, right?
-My Lizbeth got engaged!! And she asked me to be Maid of Honor. So freaking awesome, I'm so happy about all of it. I got to go dress shopping with her and her mom tonight, it was so much fun. She's so incredibly gorgeous, and she looks BEAUTIFUL in the dress she picked out. And holy crap, her ring is gigantic and beautiful.
-I've finally been playing guitar more, and I think I'm getting better, slowly but surely. I love my guitar.
-My mom is almost a quarter through her mission -- yay! I miss her like crazy.
-Tomorrow is my day off -- but I think I'm going in anyway. I need the hours.
and last, but not least
-It's bedtime! YAAAY!

okay, hope that's been a satisfactory update for ya.

Good night, and good luck.

Light a match

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:10:00 +0000

Apparently I'm a Conservative Democrat. According to the Blogthings test:" Frankly, the way most other Democrats behave embarasses you greatly.You pride yourself on a high level of morals, and you have a good grasp on right and wrong.It's likely you think America needs to get back to its conservative, Juedo-Christian values.Why aren't you a Republican then? Because you believe the goverment helps more than hurts."

Strangely accurate, for once.

So....school! I started school this week, and I'm loving it. This semester is going to be a lot of work, even though I technically only have 3 classes despite the 13 credit hours. My political science class is going to be especially killer, but also completely amazing. My professor is one of those "discussion" professors, where he asks questions to get you thinking, and then guides the discussion so we're learning the material, but kind of teaching ourselves. And with a topic like "international relations" that is kind of exactly what should be happening -- a really good class discussion guided in the right way, so we figure it out ourselves, and develop our own opinions on issues and our own viewpoints, not just spoon-fed Dr. Cooper's ideas. Even the giant textbook is fun to read. I mean seriously, isn't it supposed to be some kind of rule of thumb that textbooks are to be made as boring as humanly possible?? It's a rebel textbook. Maybe International Politics are more interesting than I thought! haha ;-)

Et le classe de francais est tres chouette aussi. Le prof parle en francais tout la fois, mais je comprende tout le chose! If only I could spell, and do accent marks in LJ. Anywho. I decided to take 101 and 102 as accelerated "block" courses as a refresher so that I could remember what the heck it was I learned 5 years ago in high school french. haha Je ne suis pas une pomme de terre!.....ok, peut-etre quelquefois. Mais, on sais, c'est bon. *le giggle*

(Translation: "And my french class is really cool too. My teacher speaks in french all the time, but I understand everything." and then, "I am not a potato!...okay, maybe sometimes. But, you know, that's cool.")

Qu'est-que c'est sur la flip chart?? Qui est Charlie Kroker?... Je t'aime, Eddie!

I don't want to end up just another page or two in your journal. I don't know how to help, or what I could do to make things better here. A lot of guys are reluctant to get in to relationships, even if they do actually really like the girl. Why is that? Is it fear of getting your heart broken? Is it laziness? Is it a sense of "I just don't have enough time"? Is it because of past bad experiences? If you simply want to be dating other people too, then date other people too! If this is going to turn out as a "Oh we hung out sometimes for a few months, but we're just friends" thing in the end, I wish I could just know that right now. If I'm right about you, then everything I am is exactly what you need. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, as long as it's not for some jack(ahem) reason. After all, relationships either end or they last forever. I don't require much time at all. I'm ridiculously different than all your psycho past experiences. If you don't want to talk some days, then that's 100% fine with me, I always have other things to do too and I need my own space too. You need to focus on school.. Well news flash, Walter Cronkite, so do I! We're in the same boat here, except that I'm not standing there with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed going "LALALALALALA". It's going to turn out to be such a waste if you don't see that. Then again, maybe I'm completely wrong about you, and you'll turn out to be a rooster-teeth.

A lot of guys are reluctant to get into relationships in general. But for most of those guys, they get over it when they meet a girl they find to be worth jumping for anyway. Maybe I'm just not that girl for you. In the meantime, I'm sick of waiting around for you to decide whether or not you care enough about me to try to keep me.

p.s. I just found out that there's a big campaign going on right now to get the Kazoo dubbed as our National Instrument.

mission accomplished
do you feel regret breathing down your neck?
broken friendships in progress
do you ever wonder why your soul is ending?

light a match
use it to find your way through the dark

when the sun goes down emotions all come out, yeah
and your sapphire eyes keep staring at the glow
you're burning all your bridges down
you're burning all your bridges down

the future is pending
are you sending angels out or demons instead?
what goes around comes around
will you cross the lakes and rivers
that surround you?

light a match
use it to find your way in the dark..

Summer Obsession, Forever In Fall

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Sat, 02 Sep 2006 21:29:00 +0000

Okay, newfound love of Provo, Utah: Club Velour. Yeah yeah, it's not a "club" but it's this tiny little music venue right smack in downtown Provo, totally pwning the lame new management of Muse Music right next door. But I digress. Last night I went there with some friends, and it was basically AWESOME. Four bands played.. The first one was kind of crap. But the second two were freaking amazing, and I didn't stay for the last one cuz I heard they totally sucked and the third band was so amazing, I didn't wanna ruin the night. The first band I think was a last-minute stand in because The Bottom Line dropped out of the tour. Yeah, it was supposed to be The Bottom Line, then Forever In Fall, then The Summer Obsession. Oh man Pom-Pom. Forever In Fall and Summer Obsession were totally awesome. For Summer Obsession we were RIGHT up next to the stage. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the drummer for Summer Obsession used to be the drummer for Good Charlotte.

Anyway. It was rock awesome sweet. And I got to hang out with ridiculously awesome people, and slurpees... And then the grand finish for the night, coming home and realizing that my room had been taken over by my step-mom's sister, and there was no where to sleep but the living room floor and I had no access to any pajamas. So I went to my sister's house for the night. :) Thanks, Bee!

ps, if you're in to the whole pop-punk-rock-alternative-with-a-great-beat kind of music, check out Forever In Fall and Summer Obsession. If you can't find them anywhere, go listen to them on MySpace. :)

Pizza, tada!!

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 05:09:00 +0000

Something tempts me to say that it wasn't me that posted the last entry here. No, that was a very tired, very drunk version of Holly. Drunk in a non-alcohol-induced way, of course.

Anywho.

Moving out = bleh. But I'm done moving out of my apartment and almost done with unpacking, and the new living situation has promise. I will be doing a lot of running errands, and a lot of picking things and people up, but spending a lot of quality time with my dad, my stepmom, and my little sister. Just like last fall, except a more grown-up, Matt-less, wheat-free me. Oh yeah, I'm apparently allergic to wheat too, just like my sister. See, Jenna? Even my intestines think you're so cool they want to be like your intestines.

I've been in a somewhat vindictive mood the past few days in regards to the male species. I've become very "Ummm, yeah. Whatever." The effects have been quite interesting. Stay away long enough, act/be only mildly interested, and tada! you get 3 phone calls in one day, two of which were answered and about 10 minutes long, one of which resulted in an interesting voicemail. Now keep in mind, this is a situation that in the past 2 months, there have been maybe 5 phone calls made just to chat. Total. And then 3 in one day? Part of me says, "wtf mates?!?!?" and the other part says, "Muahahhahha." The evil cackle is definitely the majority. Majority rules.

So, in hopes of actually waking up and getting to work on time tomorrow, I'm going to go sleep on my big giant bed, on the newly fluffed 5-inch featherbed mattress topper with like 5 thick quilts on top of that, with a perfectly temperatured blanket on top of me, with literally 15 pillows around me. Oh, and a cat that comes and goes.

Promise indeed.
(can "temperatured" be a word, just for today?)

Best. Quote. Ever: in regards to a certain someone who shall remain bumface nameless, who walked in to the apartment with two boxes of Little Caesar's hot-n-ready pizza.. "Pizza, tada!! Hot and ready. Like my body."

So tired..

noreply@blogger.com (HollyAnn) — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 06:30:00 +0000

..sooo tired...

moving out of the apartment this weekend. Sad panda.

But I totally won tonight, this time, muahahahahaha. You think you hold all the cards. But I've got a news flash, Han-Solo. You don't. *Maniacal laugh* I will find your buttons, I will find that secret you're trying to hide, and I won't let go. So there. We'll see who wins this one, my friend, just like we saw who won tonight. *laugh again*

If only I wasn't going to get my friend from the airport at 2:00 AM tonight... I would totally be asleep right now.

maybe i'll take a nap for an hour.

p.s. Don't be retarded just because of a past bad experience. Nothing happens the same twice. If you're going to be retarded, make it for a better, less LAME reason. That is all.