So many variables

I was doing the whole thinking thing the other day, I realized that yeah, I pretty much don't know anything about anything anymore. What's the point of all these things that happen? What was the point of the 3 years i spent on Ryan? And now this new situation.. he's going on his mission soon, and he'll be gone for 2 years. maybe by that time i'll be....who knows. So what's the point of me falling so deep for him, and what's the point in his loving me for so long? Maybe....maybe it really doesn't matter if we know what the point is. Maybe all that matters is that we've grown up a little bit, we've seen something new in ourselves. and maybe we even were happy for a moment. Maybe God's got the rest covered.

And maybe it's not that I still love Ryan. Maybe it's that I'm still in love with how I felt with him. I loved the way I loved him, the way he loved me, the way we worked together and just, how the whole situation felt. Even when it wasn't the best, I still loved everything about him, and about our relationship. I'm so desperate to feel exactly THAT again. I want that again, so badly. But it's not happening with this new situation. Maybe the reason I think I don't love him like he loves me is because I don't love him like I loved Ryan. But, love is different for every person. Every situation. He is SO different from Ryan, in every way imaginable. He doesn't really have any of the things I loved about Ryan. But then again, he has things that Ryan never had. For instance, he loves me in a way that Ryan never did. He'll go to any length to make my day better, and he's so patient and unbelievably understanding. He really knows me. In that fairy-tale-only-in-your-dreams kind of way. And you know what? I know him too, just as well as he knows me. Inside and out, through and through.

*sigh* Or maybe none of it matters at all.