Well in fact..
Well, I suppose I haven't updated in quite a while. I've kind of lost interest in writing about my life in here. When I write about something it usually goes out to MD in Email# style (<4) but I suppose I should make some kind of update to keep it "active". haha
Life... life has been quite interesting. I guess it's kind of always interesting, just in different ways. Or, in the same ways but because of different things or people that make it feel like a whole new experience.
What I don't understand is why I can't get over it. I mean, this whole situation has just kind of sucked. The first month or so was fantastic, but as soon as I realized that even without thoughts of the military, things weren't going anywhere, I should have bolted. But no, I have estrogen and wear makeup, so I stuck around. Because I knew how awesome things could be, and because I actually felt really good about things and believed it was reciprocated. Whether it's truly "fear of commitment" that's keeping things like this is still questionable in my mind, even though the reasons do make total sense. And if it is true, then how unfair is it that I should have to miss out on something really great because of a mistake some stupid slut made a year ago? Yeah, not cool man, not cool.
Truth is, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt and angry, as if we had actually had a relationship. I mean, it was 4 months of nothing but knowing that we liked eachother, but even 4 months of nothing is still kind of something. And true, I don't have to cut it off. I don't have to pull away and distance myself and make myself get over him. But seriously. Holy crap. If I feel this crappy after only 4 months of nothing, how horrible would it be after 5 months? 6 months? How long would I let it go on? Yeah I am kind of a pushover. When I really want something to work, I stick around and try to make it work until there's absolute proof that it's NEVER going to work.
I've gone on a few dates. I've flirted with other guys who flirt right back. But I always feel kind of physically sick, with this really really strong feeling of wrong-ness. I don't want to flirt with anyone else, I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. And how freaking retarded is that? We're not even dating!!
I had a Y-Jacker today at work (someone who sits and listens in on your calls, it's a training method) and he was pretty cool. His name is Colby, he's from just up Provo Canyon. We got along pretty well. He's not really my type, so to speak, but still, cool people are cool people. Anyway, I guess we were flirting a bit, but I didn't really realize it until I went on break. Bumface McGee was sitting just a desk away, and the whole last hour of work, he didn't say anything and didn't turn around at all. He was doing his "I'm pissed but trying really hard not to show it" thing that he does whenever he's upset, because he usually refuses to show it. Now, as he had been in a great mood earlier, he was either pissed because of one of his calls, or he was being territorial. It's unlikely it was a phone call, because he rebounds really fast from those -- I mean he's been in inbound customer support for like 3 years.
Ugh. I'm just... I don't know. I'm trying to not care about it, but it's not working too well.
Anyway!!
Happy things:
-I got a 96% on my first French exam. Sweet!
-From October 1st until the end of December, we get "holiday pay" which is just $1.50 more per hour, given in two pay-outs: one in mid-November, the other at the end of December. Also SWEET! More money! It's like a temporary raise. Awesome.
-My fish totally rocks.
-I'm going to go see my sister in Denver soon. Not sure when exactly, but hopefully by the end of the month! I've been dying to go on a road trip, and I might as well to go Denver, right?
-My Lizbeth got engaged!! And she asked me to be Maid of Honor. So freaking awesome, I'm so happy about all of it. I got to go dress shopping with her and her mom tonight, it was so much fun. She's so incredibly gorgeous, and she looks BEAUTIFUL in the dress she picked out. And holy crap, her ring is gigantic and beautiful.
-I've finally been playing guitar more, and I think I'm getting better, slowly but surely. I love my guitar.
-My mom is almost a quarter through her mission -- yay! I miss her like crazy.
-Tomorrow is my day off -- but I think I'm going in anyway. I need the hours.
and last, but not least
-It's bedtime! YAAAY!
okay, hope that's been a satisfactory update for ya.
Good night, and good luck.
Life... life has been quite interesting. I guess it's kind of always interesting, just in different ways. Or, in the same ways but because of different things or people that make it feel like a whole new experience.
What I don't understand is why I can't get over it. I mean, this whole situation has just kind of sucked. The first month or so was fantastic, but as soon as I realized that even without thoughts of the military, things weren't going anywhere, I should have bolted. But no, I have estrogen and wear makeup, so I stuck around. Because I knew how awesome things could be, and because I actually felt really good about things and believed it was reciprocated. Whether it's truly "fear of commitment" that's keeping things like this is still questionable in my mind, even though the reasons do make total sense. And if it is true, then how unfair is it that I should have to miss out on something really great because of a mistake some stupid slut made a year ago? Yeah, not cool man, not cool.
Truth is, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt and angry, as if we had actually had a relationship. I mean, it was 4 months of nothing but knowing that we liked eachother, but even 4 months of nothing is still kind of something. And true, I don't have to cut it off. I don't have to pull away and distance myself and make myself get over him. But seriously. Holy crap. If I feel this crappy after only 4 months of nothing, how horrible would it be after 5 months? 6 months? How long would I let it go on? Yeah I am kind of a pushover. When I really want something to work, I stick around and try to make it work until there's absolute proof that it's NEVER going to work.
I've gone on a few dates. I've flirted with other guys who flirt right back. But I always feel kind of physically sick, with this really really strong feeling of wrong-ness. I don't want to flirt with anyone else, I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. And how freaking retarded is that? We're not even dating!!
I had a Y-Jacker today at work (someone who sits and listens in on your calls, it's a training method) and he was pretty cool. His name is Colby, he's from just up Provo Canyon. We got along pretty well. He's not really my type, so to speak, but still, cool people are cool people. Anyway, I guess we were flirting a bit, but I didn't really realize it until I went on break. Bumface McGee was sitting just a desk away, and the whole last hour of work, he didn't say anything and didn't turn around at all. He was doing his "I'm pissed but trying really hard not to show it" thing that he does whenever he's upset, because he usually refuses to show it. Now, as he had been in a great mood earlier, he was either pissed because of one of his calls, or he was being territorial. It's unlikely it was a phone call, because he rebounds really fast from those -- I mean he's been in inbound customer support for like 3 years.
Ugh. I'm just... I don't know. I'm trying to not care about it, but it's not working too well.
Anyway!!
Happy things:
-I got a 96% on my first French exam. Sweet!
-From October 1st until the end of December, we get "holiday pay" which is just $1.50 more per hour, given in two pay-outs: one in mid-November, the other at the end of December. Also SWEET! More money! It's like a temporary raise. Awesome.
-My fish totally rocks.
-I'm going to go see my sister in Denver soon. Not sure when exactly, but hopefully by the end of the month! I've been dying to go on a road trip, and I might as well to go Denver, right?
-My Lizbeth got engaged!! And she asked me to be Maid of Honor. So freaking awesome, I'm so happy about all of it. I got to go dress shopping with her and her mom tonight, it was so much fun. She's so incredibly gorgeous, and she looks BEAUTIFUL in the dress she picked out. And holy crap, her ring is gigantic and beautiful.
-I've finally been playing guitar more, and I think I'm getting better, slowly but surely. I love my guitar.
-My mom is almost a quarter through her mission -- yay! I miss her like crazy.
-Tomorrow is my day off -- but I think I'm going in anyway. I need the hours.
and last, but not least
-It's bedtime! YAAAY!
okay, hope that's been a satisfactory update for ya.
Good night, and good luck.
posted by HollyAnn at 11:33 PM
1 Comments:
It's hard to understand the inner workings of one's emotions, 'specially when it comes to matters relationship-ish.
That having been said, I hope that the rest of the good things that you've got going on for you... uh... keep... going... on?
Yeah, that's it.
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