If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?
I'm never gonna catch up with Jenna's 120 posts. lol
My mood is a little mellow tonight. Thoughtful, I guess. Maybe it's due to being tired, or maybe it's PMS, but whatever it is, I'm a little lonely the past couple of days. I'm not sure what started it off. Maybe it was seeing a picture in which the place I should have been was taken up by a different addition to the Chix and realizing that man, I'm missing everything. Right now, this age in life is where everything starts happening. Things are just now starting to get interesting for everyone, even if they think it's boring or just dumb drama or whatever..and I'm missing it all. I'm not there to see it. And right now, I've been away from that for so long that there's going to be inescapable awkwardness when I try to put myself back in that picture again. The awkwardness is gonna kill me.. I don't want to feel that separation from the people I love. I'm sick of slipping away from people, and of letting people slip away from me. It's all been due to my choices, though. I slipped away from my MD friends by leaving here and going to Utah, and being as lax as I am about keeping in contact with people.. And I slipped away from my old roommates by living with my Dad last fall. But, I had to...right? I didn't have the money to pay for rent, and I wanted to get to know my family there, and I needed to regain some of my senses from the hardness of Freshman year. I also slipped away from them by never getting over there to see them.. I wanted to. But I spent all my time with Matt. I had a great time with him, and I was really happy with him. But now, that's over. And I don't know if we'll really ever be friends like we were before. As much as he says that he's okay with it and wants me to stay in his life, even if it's only as friends..and as much as I say that I really want to be his friend.. I just don't know if it's ever gonna feel the same again. I have somehow managed to keep a friendship with Liz, and with Steph, probably the work of angels or something. lol But still, there's something lacking even there. I don't know.
I just can't wait to get somewhere that I can make some friends, people to spend time with and cry with and laugh with and make inside jokes and steal eachothers' clothes and... wait, this is sounding awfully like a sister. ;-) I miss my sisters.. and I miss friends who used to feel like sisters.
I'm going to visit my cousin in North Carolina at the end of March. I haven't seen her in over 6 years, since my grandma's funeral right after my family moved to Maryland. My favorite cousin, one of my favorite people in the world, the only person I ever felt like truly liked me for who I was when I was young, and I haven't seen her in 6 years.
Well, maybe I'll be able to change. I need to change. I need to finally learn how to hang on to the people I care about.. and how to become the kind of person that other people want to hang on to, too.
My mood is a little mellow tonight. Thoughtful, I guess. Maybe it's due to being tired, or maybe it's PMS, but whatever it is, I'm a little lonely the past couple of days. I'm not sure what started it off. Maybe it was seeing a picture in which the place I should have been was taken up by a different addition to the Chix and realizing that man, I'm missing everything. Right now, this age in life is where everything starts happening. Things are just now starting to get interesting for everyone, even if they think it's boring or just dumb drama or whatever..and I'm missing it all. I'm not there to see it. And right now, I've been away from that for so long that there's going to be inescapable awkwardness when I try to put myself back in that picture again. The awkwardness is gonna kill me.. I don't want to feel that separation from the people I love. I'm sick of slipping away from people, and of letting people slip away from me. It's all been due to my choices, though. I slipped away from my MD friends by leaving here and going to Utah, and being as lax as I am about keeping in contact with people.. And I slipped away from my old roommates by living with my Dad last fall. But, I had to...right? I didn't have the money to pay for rent, and I wanted to get to know my family there, and I needed to regain some of my senses from the hardness of Freshman year. I also slipped away from them by never getting over there to see them.. I wanted to. But I spent all my time with Matt. I had a great time with him, and I was really happy with him. But now, that's over. And I don't know if we'll really ever be friends like we were before. As much as he says that he's okay with it and wants me to stay in his life, even if it's only as friends..and as much as I say that I really want to be his friend.. I just don't know if it's ever gonna feel the same again. I have somehow managed to keep a friendship with Liz, and with Steph, probably the work of angels or something. lol But still, there's something lacking even there. I don't know.
I just can't wait to get somewhere that I can make some friends, people to spend time with and cry with and laugh with and make inside jokes and steal eachothers' clothes and... wait, this is sounding awfully like a sister. ;-) I miss my sisters.. and I miss friends who used to feel like sisters.
I'm going to visit my cousin in North Carolina at the end of March. I haven't seen her in over 6 years, since my grandma's funeral right after my family moved to Maryland. My favorite cousin, one of my favorite people in the world, the only person I ever felt like truly liked me for who I was when I was young, and I haven't seen her in 6 years.
Well, maybe I'll be able to change. I need to change. I need to finally learn how to hang on to the people I care about.. and how to become the kind of person that other people want to hang on to, too.
posted by HollyAnn at 6:07 PM
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