Realizations and elephants

Last night I had this really crazy experience. I was writing in my journal and such, and just kind of pondering/praying, thinking about the Eric situation. I decided the other day that I need to tell him we can't be friends, that I need to reject him and spit him out. (I wrote a little bit about that.) But then I thought, hmm, maybe I should pray about this, it's affecting my entire life and that's lame. So as I was doing that last night, I got this impression that said specifically, "You need to forgive him for what he's done to himself." Not You need to forgive him for hurting you and not You should talk to him and be friends. Holy crap.. I realized I hate him more for that, what he's done to himself, than for what he did to me. I feel insulted that he did so many bad things while appearing to be such a good person around me, spending time with me -- "the good girl" -- and doing so much crap on the side. Like I was absolutely no good influence at all. Nothing I did made any difference in him.

But I realized that I'm insulted, but not hurt. I know deep down that it's not my problem, it was his own issues and I did the best I could to help without pushing. There really wasn't anything else I could have done. I was fine back in February before I saw him, before I found out exactly everything he was doing to himself. The second I found out was when I got mad. I've been holding on to all these terrible feelings like I was slighted, but really they've just been because I'm mad at him for doing stupid things. I'm kind of over what he did to me, because I'm a buff girl and I can tie my own shoes and everything, but it's harder for me to forgive someone else for the things they're doing to themselves than what they're doing or have done to me. I care too much. I try too hard to make the world a better place that I get so emotionally tied up in helping, and get pissed off when nothing I do can make a difference. So, there we have it.



So, I've been hearing about "The Color Code" thing for forever, and I've always wanted to look into it and see what color I'd be. There's Red, Blue, White, and Yellow. I finally found it online (thecolorcode.com, who'da thunk?) and I took the 45 questions and I came out as White.

WHITES are motivated by PEACE.
They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, WHITES are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. WHITES are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, inexpressive, and silently stubborn. When others interact with you, as a WHITE you respond to them best if they are kind, accepting and supporting of your individuality, and if they look for non-verbal clues to understand your feelings.

Whites are independent. Unlike Reds, who want to control others, Whites seek only to avoid being controlled. They simply refuse to be under another's thumb, especially when treated without the respect they feel they deserve. Whites want to do things their way, in their own time. They do not ask much of others, and resent it when others demand things from them. They often comply with unreasonable demands - just to keep peace. They will only express their anger and frustration when they can no longer stand being bossed around. Whites do not like to be pushed, and they can be fearsome when they finally "blow up".

WHITE NEEDS:
To feel good (inside)
To be allowed their own space
Respect
Acceptance

WHITE WANTS:
To withhold insecurities
To please self/others
Independence
Contentment


My hair is getting long. That makes me happy. Being constantly but mildly sick for almost 2 weeks straight, however, does NOT make me happy. Alas. I need to get some antacid pills or maybe a bottle of sleep. Man if you could bottle sleep in hour pills.... holy crap. That person would be a billionaire in less time than it takes an elephant to fart. (Don't ask about the elephant fart thing... It's not okay!)

I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued

Go see Spiderman. It'll rock your world. Laughter and fury and confusion and tears and hope, all rolled into 2.5 hours of amazing effects and dialogue and music. I wish I remembered the quote from the very end, but I can't. Something about "the battles raging within". If anyone goes to see it and remembers that quote, leave me a comment!

I'm all moved in to my new apartment, sleeping there and everything. Or not sleeping, whichever you prefer.. haha. It's been cool so far, both of my roommates are seriously fun and our apartment is cute. I'm really super tired, especially in the morning. Yesterday I actually slept in a couple of hours accidentally, my alarm didn't go off! It was very unfortunate. Yeah, if I drank coffee, I'd sure be drinking a LOT. Life is good though. :) My new department at Dentrix is the bomb and I'm doing fairly well. (Except for being 3 hours late yesterday, that wasn't so much on the "cool" side. But even then, even my bosses were like "Oh don't worry, it totally happens!" Crazy!)

You know, body language -- especially the subtle kind that you don't even realize you're doing -- can be quite telling. At the same time, how can you trust someone else's subconscious? Since last year and all the events it contained, I've been doubting my intuition. Apparently it actually can be very very wrong.

I got to be Ninja of the Day last week in training at Convergys. Apparently it's pretty cool that I tried to get everyone in my training class to all go out together to the midnight Friday night showing of Spiderman 3, even though only 6 people actually went. I don't think I deserve Ninja of the Day just cuz of that, though... the idea was 95% selfishly motivated.. :) Plus, I think Liz (my new trainer) could see that I wasn't feeling particularly bubbly or happy for the first part of class that day and took pity on me. Then we played Mafia and Signs and Chinese Writing for the last 3 hours of class. Man I love that class! We tried playing games with another class that's training for Cingular, but they were super lame and immature and annoying, so we're sticking with the 12 people just in our own class. We're too cool for other people anyway. Honestly, every single person in my class is really cool. Some have their own special brand of cool, but they're still nice and fun and not completely retarded. Our trainer says we're closer than any class she's seen. We had an awesome ice-breaker the first day. One of the girls, Ashlee, got everybody to show one weird thing they can do with their body. Like I can make the BEST pig face in the world, one girl can fold her eyelids inside out, one guy can suck his top lip into his nose, etc etc. It was really funny.

My first training class wasn't nearly as cool. There were a couple of cool people, but overall mostly everyone stuck to themselves and were kind of spikey. Seriously everyone gets along. We're doing really well and our test scores are always super high, and I really think that's because everyone gets along and is really comfortable with eachother. There's no roadblock that's caused by awkwardness, because there isn't any awkwardness.

So, there's a guy. Sort of. There's a possibility, let's just put it like that. He's really shy until you get to know him, and even then he's still pretty shy and really quiet. He's not hugely social, also until you get to know him. (Both of the above are totally on the "plus" side of the pro-con list. I've had enough of the outgoing social butterflies, they're more likely to go off with someone "more interesting".) He says he's "boring" and that he spends a lot of time reading. He likes to cook, he's taking a ton of really awesome and challenging classes in the Fall, and he's got a smile to die for. You know, one of those smiles that if you didn't already think he was attractive before you saw him smile, you definitely do after. It's a really sweet smile, very unassuming and honest. And by honest I mean it's the kind of smile that says "I wouldn't actually smile if I didn't think that was funny/cool/etc".

Cons: he's just shy of a couple months younger than me, turning 20 on the 15th. He's not sure if he's going to go on a mission or not.. If he's not going to go on a mission, then I'm not sure he's the one I'd want to date. If he does go on a mission, then I don't want to date him and fall for him just to have him leave for 2 years.

Oh, what to do.

I don't even know if the reason I want him to like me is because I really do like him or because I really really just want to be with someone. Especially since I'm going to be having to face Eric every day pretty soon. I saw him yesterday when my class went y-jacking. I sat down the row and didn't really acknowledge him until he came down the row and said hello. Even then, I tried to make my face pleasant and friendly but I don't think it worked very well. Guess my heart wasn't in to being friendly and nice to him. He looked good, though. He toned up and cut his hair and doesn't seem like he's smoking pot anymore. Ugh. I looked good yesterday too, so HA! I wore pink. I actually look good in pink, and I've lost like 10 lbs and you can sort of see it now. Maybe the whole "working 2 full-time jobs" thing is good for my body. Minus the lack of sleep.

Anyway!

I also don't know if part of the reason I'm questioning it and almost shying away from it is because I'm scared. Well, I am scared. There are too many guys that are such pond scum, and there definitely seem to be plenty of them at Convergys... It's like a scum-magnet. I'm just nervous that I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I feel like I'm ready to start something new and I don't have any problems with commitment anymore, but I don't want to get into something without knowing more. So I won't. And I'm definitely not making the first move, but even though he's opening up more and more, I can't picture someone as shy as him jumping off that ledge. Alas. Maybe it'll stick to a standstill.

In the meantime, it's fun. At least I'm distracting myself without hurting anyone else.


We play with these smelly markers in class, and the orange one seriously smells like Sunkist soda. Oh man, I would drink that marker if it wasn't so bad. It's so not okay.