Okay, okay!

I suppose that Jenna's gonna cut off my right foot if I don't update soon. So I'd better do it quick! ;-) hehe i love you Bee.

you know, my livejournal entires are always so much different than these ones. if you want to read my other one, it's livejournal.com/~trueprudency so there ya go.

So, it seems like an external source describes my current situation FAR better than I could. kudos to colorgenics.com for today's update, an extraordinarily (and creepy) accurate description of me, right now....

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realize these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

You are presently experiencing excessive stress as a result of self-restraint. You act and think differently from the common herd and you want to be liked and admired for yourself and to associate with people who feel and act as you do. Because of this need to be self-reliant and to break away from mediocrity, you are finding this situation most uncomfortable and you are experiencing considerable anxiety - perhaps even more than you feel the capacity to cope with. You need to find a 'soul mate', someone whose standards are as high as your own - but where? Keep on searching... The situation is uncomfortable and you would like to break away from it, but you refuse to compromise with your opinions. You are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of necessary decisions. You are stubborn but this is no deterrent to a happy life, so why drop your standards. Think positively, everything will work out. It has worked out successfully for you in the past and it will again in the future.

The tensions and stresses that you have experienced of late have been the result of trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond your capabilities. You feel completely inadequate to cope with the situation and you would like nothing better to escape from it all and to be able to relax in a problem and pressure free environment where you can do your thing

So, yeah. there you have it. But, things really aren't bad, just a little stressful. I'm ready for a change of scenery, because after 3 years, there isn't much that DOESNT bring back a now-painful memory. What an ironic quagmyre, one which we shall worry about after another night's sleep.

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

And after a while you learn
that you're not like everyone else, and never will be. and that boys will never grow out of cat-calling repectable girls, making them feel like absolute dirt. and that everything you've thought for a long time could have always been a misconception, from stolen forks to ice cream fights and beyond. And you learn to try to not be depressed when you see that friend of yours smoking, and the next day look into the face of an old woman or man who has lung cancer, from smoking. and that you are called "uptight" for having values, and actually sticking to them (what a novel idea). and only those who you are born to, born with, live with, are the ones who will stay. And you learn that the mindless haze is easier, but that you don't know how to learn to shut off your emotions to become numb, cold, detached like all the rest.

And then, suddenly, you learn that all you've learned can be forgotten with a smile from a stranger, or a bunny in the front yard, or that perfectly blue sky that fills you up like ice-cold water on a hot summer day.


And that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is freakin awesome!.....and, SO FRUSTRATING!!! aaaaarrrggggg! if you've read it, you know what i mean. :-p :-D hehe..

Confucious says..

On Saturday your inner demons will start rearing their ugly heads. You have been broken-hearted for some time, and by now you're starting to feel resentful. Take care not to burn too many bridges; be patient - all's well that ends well may come to have a special meaning to you.

I suppose it must be pretty dang easy to come up with a "horroscope" that will hit home with at least a third of the population that reads it. Because, after all, one third will be currently in blissful taken-ness, one third will actually be the targeted broken-hearted and resentful, and then the other third will also be so, but will have other things to do than care about a few sentences from some crackpot writer who is in serious need of a different day job.

My awesome towel has been sabatoged by my awesome face wash! :( I guess the medicine in my facewash has something that can bleach things, something that was conspicuously missing from the box, resulting in my awesome soft teal towel having icky bleached spots. *sigh* alas.

Gosh, I love Saturdays. I did whatever the heck I felt like. It was awesome. :-) I was looking around at the movie trailers on Apple's website, and I saw one for a movie called "Supercross" that comes out on August 19th. If there was ever a movie that by its title alone would make anybody see it, then "Supercross" is a movie that by its title alone, Matty will be seeing. I'm guessing. ;-)

By the way, wtf is up with half the people I know getting married/engaged this summer???

GRRAAWWRRRRRR. ahem.

So this may be kind of a rambling entry. There are a whole lot of things going through my head, and it's driving me kinda nuts, and I want to write them all down but when you write something down, someone will always find it and read it, no matter how you try to prevent it.

There's a hurricaine in the Carribean. It's going to hit right where Fernando is.

What does it really mean when someone "can't handle big emotions right now" ?? I mean, what the heck is that all about? If you don't have time to feel, if you can't handle loving, or being loved in return, then what's the whole point of any of this? No, what's really meant is "can't handle big emotions for you right now" and as much as I don't want to let go, as much as I can't let go, I won't fall in step with all the others chasing after you. They're not even in sight, because your back is turned and you left your heart back at home, neatly tucked away. I miss you, I still love you, and I think you're full of crap.

I saw Batman again today.
"It's what you do that defines you."
"Maybe someday, when Gotham doesn't need Batman anymore, maybe then I'll see him again."

www.colorgenics.com says:

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

Being impulsive and irritable, your desires and needs are paramount. You do things with insufficient thought - with little regard to the consequences that may follow. As a consequence of this attitude, you may be experiencing stress and conflict.

Conditions are rather confusing at this time. You would like to involved with a particular person or a particular situation but you are holding back. You find it difficult to make a decision.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.


hmmm...

Healing

After a while you learn
the subtle difference
between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul
and you learn that love
doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't
always mean security.


And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up and
your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child


and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.

after a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
& decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you
flowers.

and you learn
that you really can endure
and you keep learning
with every goodbye
you learn.

h.b.

Sweet like a kiss, sharp as a razor blade

Wow, that was sure fast. It was only the night before last that I finally cleared everything up with Ryan, and I already have a date tonight. How crazy?? Yep. very crazy. Of course, it's a blind date, and I'm kinda scared, but it's a double date with a good friend. We're going to the Inner Harbor. I think this is the first date (that's actually been called an official "date") I've been on since.. oh, about a year ago. Good times.

I can't believe it's already July! :-) I'm excited to get back to Utah. I've been emailing back and forth with my little sister Emily, and holy crap she's so cute. And I miss my dad and step mom so much. And my Bee, of course! I'm SO excited, because Matty will still be in town when I get back, and Sarah and the girls will be there too, and my mom's gonna be out for Education Week, and Nick wants to take me out sometime soon after I get back, maybe boating on the 20th, and, and, and, yeah. :)

Things are looking up. My mom said the other day that it's easier to go up when you're starting from the bottom, and is actually quite hard to start in mid-air and go up. That was really interesting. So, no more of this "Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, it drills a ten-foot hole in itself" junk.

And Ashley and Christine are back from Hawaii. Hooray!

And I got a new awesome straightener. I need to get my hair cut.

Aaaand, I have 52 hours of work this week. :) I love overtime.

Now I'm gonna go do my whole jogging deal, and then un-gross-ify myself.