Change of plans, folks

"We're at the end of the universe, right at the edge of knowledge itself, and you're busy... blogging!" -Doctor Who

It's been a long time since I've blogged here at good old Blogspot. I've never really been satisfied with my own blogging, really. It may have something to do with my incapacitating inability to truly express myself, coming from years of habitually repressing emotions. Or maybe it's just that I'm too lazy to think of witty things to say. It's a toss-up...

In light of this, I have decided to take a fresh start and begin a new blog: clicky!

Rock rock on

So, October 26th. My good friend Joe's band (Art of Attrition) is having a CD Release Party Concert, with another band named Counterfeit Digits...

However, over this past weekend, Joe told me he wants to get a few people together and have like an "acoustic" cover band to have for the first act, and he wants me to be in it. It would be him on lead guitar with me on either rhythm or bass (or both), and then we'd have either his best friend Cameron or this other guy Sam on drums.

I might be in a concert. Playing and singing. We'd do 4 or 5 cover songs, with a couple of originals, potentially one of my songs included in those originals.

Can you say, freakin sweet?


By the way, I'm totally in love. With roadtrips. And laughing. :)

FINE!

So, life is life I s'pose. Busy, full of new friends and some fun times, and big decisions. I'm quitting both my jobs. Scratch that, I already quit one, and the other one I gave my 2 weeks' notice today. So, as of July 27th, my life will be completely different. Honestly, I very VERY much welcome the change. Tomorrow I have an interview with another company I'm probably going to work for, a place called Verio. I'm kind of crossing my fingers to be able to take a couple of weeks off in between jobs. I'm completely burned out... Hence why I got sick!

Health.exe is mostly back up and running. It took a few blows, was down for the count for a while, but is back (almost) good as ever. I have this awesome cough, but other than that, all's peachy keen.

I can't decide what to do this fall about housing. I want to move back to my dad's house for a couple reasons, 1) it's awesome living there, getting to know them and spending time with them, and 2) everything's pretty much free. However! I really would like to stay in my apartment with my amazing roommates this fall too. It's only like $250 a month, and I should be making plenty of money... I love my roommates. I love apartment life. I love my neighbors and my ward and the fact that all you ever have to do is look outside and pow, you've got something to do for the night.

hmmm....

Unable to initialize health.exe

I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I feel like my whole body is infected with something. My head is swimming, my muscles have committed mutiny and THEY decide when they want to work, not me. I'm exhausted but seem to only be able to sleep during the daylight hours. I can't talk. My throat burns, but apparently it isn't strep, despite the white blisters on my very red and swollen tonsils. My left eye is all puffy and red, my glands are swollen, and, just to top it all off, I'm starving but have no appetite! Sad day, eh? Not to mention the coughing fits!

Being sick is lame. It started on Thursday night/Friday morning, with 2 hours of uncontrollable chills and other fun stuff. I went to the doctor on Monday, which is where they found out it's not strep, but he thought it might be Mono. LAME. Aren't you supposed to at least get a good makeout session out of it when you get mono? Seriously!

Maybe it's just my body telling me I need to freaking slow down. That even though I feel like I could and should be able to take on the world AND work 80 hours a week, I really can't. That yes, your emotional well-being really does affect your physical well-being. And that no, you can't make up for being tired emotionally and trying to hold up other people by throwing yourself into working non-stop. Dang it.

Not to mention that I'm irritated this is making me miss work. I don't have any PTO left! I feel horrible for missing, too, like I'm missing my best friend's wedding every day I miss work. What's up with that? I went in to Dentrix today, because I was feeling sort of okay this morning, and I only lasted 3 hours. This is ridiculous!

I almost kind of want to quit, though. GAH. I don't know! I just wish I wasn't sick.

BUT! Happiness is that I get to talk to my mom every day now. I got to see her, and spend time with all of my siblings in the same place at the same time. All 5 of us all together for the first time in probably 10 years. Well, all together and having a good time for the first time in about 10 years, hehe. It really was awesome. I missed my Mommy.

Realizations and elephants

Last night I had this really crazy experience. I was writing in my journal and such, and just kind of pondering/praying, thinking about the Eric situation. I decided the other day that I need to tell him we can't be friends, that I need to reject him and spit him out. (I wrote a little bit about that.) But then I thought, hmm, maybe I should pray about this, it's affecting my entire life and that's lame. So as I was doing that last night, I got this impression that said specifically, "You need to forgive him for what he's done to himself." Not You need to forgive him for hurting you and not You should talk to him and be friends. Holy crap.. I realized I hate him more for that, what he's done to himself, than for what he did to me. I feel insulted that he did so many bad things while appearing to be such a good person around me, spending time with me -- "the good girl" -- and doing so much crap on the side. Like I was absolutely no good influence at all. Nothing I did made any difference in him.

But I realized that I'm insulted, but not hurt. I know deep down that it's not my problem, it was his own issues and I did the best I could to help without pushing. There really wasn't anything else I could have done. I was fine back in February before I saw him, before I found out exactly everything he was doing to himself. The second I found out was when I got mad. I've been holding on to all these terrible feelings like I was slighted, but really they've just been because I'm mad at him for doing stupid things. I'm kind of over what he did to me, because I'm a buff girl and I can tie my own shoes and everything, but it's harder for me to forgive someone else for the things they're doing to themselves than what they're doing or have done to me. I care too much. I try too hard to make the world a better place that I get so emotionally tied up in helping, and get pissed off when nothing I do can make a difference. So, there we have it.



So, I've been hearing about "The Color Code" thing for forever, and I've always wanted to look into it and see what color I'd be. There's Red, Blue, White, and Yellow. I finally found it online (thecolorcode.com, who'da thunk?) and I took the 45 questions and I came out as White.

WHITES are motivated by PEACE.
They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, WHITES are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. WHITES are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, inexpressive, and silently stubborn. When others interact with you, as a WHITE you respond to them best if they are kind, accepting and supporting of your individuality, and if they look for non-verbal clues to understand your feelings.

Whites are independent. Unlike Reds, who want to control others, Whites seek only to avoid being controlled. They simply refuse to be under another's thumb, especially when treated without the respect they feel they deserve. Whites want to do things their way, in their own time. They do not ask much of others, and resent it when others demand things from them. They often comply with unreasonable demands - just to keep peace. They will only express their anger and frustration when they can no longer stand being bossed around. Whites do not like to be pushed, and they can be fearsome when they finally "blow up".

WHITE NEEDS:
To feel good (inside)
To be allowed their own space
Respect
Acceptance

WHITE WANTS:
To withhold insecurities
To please self/others
Independence
Contentment


My hair is getting long. That makes me happy. Being constantly but mildly sick for almost 2 weeks straight, however, does NOT make me happy. Alas. I need to get some antacid pills or maybe a bottle of sleep. Man if you could bottle sleep in hour pills.... holy crap. That person would be a billionaire in less time than it takes an elephant to fart. (Don't ask about the elephant fart thing... It's not okay!)

I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued

Go see Spiderman. It'll rock your world. Laughter and fury and confusion and tears and hope, all rolled into 2.5 hours of amazing effects and dialogue and music. I wish I remembered the quote from the very end, but I can't. Something about "the battles raging within". If anyone goes to see it and remembers that quote, leave me a comment!

I'm all moved in to my new apartment, sleeping there and everything. Or not sleeping, whichever you prefer.. haha. It's been cool so far, both of my roommates are seriously fun and our apartment is cute. I'm really super tired, especially in the morning. Yesterday I actually slept in a couple of hours accidentally, my alarm didn't go off! It was very unfortunate. Yeah, if I drank coffee, I'd sure be drinking a LOT. Life is good though. :) My new department at Dentrix is the bomb and I'm doing fairly well. (Except for being 3 hours late yesterday, that wasn't so much on the "cool" side. But even then, even my bosses were like "Oh don't worry, it totally happens!" Crazy!)

You know, body language -- especially the subtle kind that you don't even realize you're doing -- can be quite telling. At the same time, how can you trust someone else's subconscious? Since last year and all the events it contained, I've been doubting my intuition. Apparently it actually can be very very wrong.

I got to be Ninja of the Day last week in training at Convergys. Apparently it's pretty cool that I tried to get everyone in my training class to all go out together to the midnight Friday night showing of Spiderman 3, even though only 6 people actually went. I don't think I deserve Ninja of the Day just cuz of that, though... the idea was 95% selfishly motivated.. :) Plus, I think Liz (my new trainer) could see that I wasn't feeling particularly bubbly or happy for the first part of class that day and took pity on me. Then we played Mafia and Signs and Chinese Writing for the last 3 hours of class. Man I love that class! We tried playing games with another class that's training for Cingular, but they were super lame and immature and annoying, so we're sticking with the 12 people just in our own class. We're too cool for other people anyway. Honestly, every single person in my class is really cool. Some have their own special brand of cool, but they're still nice and fun and not completely retarded. Our trainer says we're closer than any class she's seen. We had an awesome ice-breaker the first day. One of the girls, Ashlee, got everybody to show one weird thing they can do with their body. Like I can make the BEST pig face in the world, one girl can fold her eyelids inside out, one guy can suck his top lip into his nose, etc etc. It was really funny.

My first training class wasn't nearly as cool. There were a couple of cool people, but overall mostly everyone stuck to themselves and were kind of spikey. Seriously everyone gets along. We're doing really well and our test scores are always super high, and I really think that's because everyone gets along and is really comfortable with eachother. There's no roadblock that's caused by awkwardness, because there isn't any awkwardness.

So, there's a guy. Sort of. There's a possibility, let's just put it like that. He's really shy until you get to know him, and even then he's still pretty shy and really quiet. He's not hugely social, also until you get to know him. (Both of the above are totally on the "plus" side of the pro-con list. I've had enough of the outgoing social butterflies, they're more likely to go off with someone "more interesting".) He says he's "boring" and that he spends a lot of time reading. He likes to cook, he's taking a ton of really awesome and challenging classes in the Fall, and he's got a smile to die for. You know, one of those smiles that if you didn't already think he was attractive before you saw him smile, you definitely do after. It's a really sweet smile, very unassuming and honest. And by honest I mean it's the kind of smile that says "I wouldn't actually smile if I didn't think that was funny/cool/etc".

Cons: he's just shy of a couple months younger than me, turning 20 on the 15th. He's not sure if he's going to go on a mission or not.. If he's not going to go on a mission, then I'm not sure he's the one I'd want to date. If he does go on a mission, then I don't want to date him and fall for him just to have him leave for 2 years.

Oh, what to do.

I don't even know if the reason I want him to like me is because I really do like him or because I really really just want to be with someone. Especially since I'm going to be having to face Eric every day pretty soon. I saw him yesterday when my class went y-jacking. I sat down the row and didn't really acknowledge him until he came down the row and said hello. Even then, I tried to make my face pleasant and friendly but I don't think it worked very well. Guess my heart wasn't in to being friendly and nice to him. He looked good, though. He toned up and cut his hair and doesn't seem like he's smoking pot anymore. Ugh. I looked good yesterday too, so HA! I wore pink. I actually look good in pink, and I've lost like 10 lbs and you can sort of see it now. Maybe the whole "working 2 full-time jobs" thing is good for my body. Minus the lack of sleep.

Anyway!

I also don't know if part of the reason I'm questioning it and almost shying away from it is because I'm scared. Well, I am scared. There are too many guys that are such pond scum, and there definitely seem to be plenty of them at Convergys... It's like a scum-magnet. I'm just nervous that I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I feel like I'm ready to start something new and I don't have any problems with commitment anymore, but I don't want to get into something without knowing more. So I won't. And I'm definitely not making the first move, but even though he's opening up more and more, I can't picture someone as shy as him jumping off that ledge. Alas. Maybe it'll stick to a standstill.

In the meantime, it's fun. At least I'm distracting myself without hurting anyone else.


We play with these smelly markers in class, and the orange one seriously smells like Sunkist soda. Oh man, I would drink that marker if it wasn't so bad. It's so not okay.

Mother of all updates

Upcoming concerts in Utah that I want to go to:

April 30th - Gwen Stefani - Delta Center ($60)
June 5th - The Veronicas - Avalon ($12)
July 7th - Warped Tour - Fair Grounds ($73)
September 11th - Keith Urban & The Wreckers - Delta Center ($95)


I love it when people are on hold for 4 minutes and 12 seconds and immediately say, "I've been on hold for FOREVER and FINALLY someone picked up." I bet that doctor uses the Microwave directions on the Pop-Tarts box. Seriously, man.. loosen up your schedule a bit.


Not sure what I'm going to do about this summer. I'm going to be working my butt off with one full-time and one part-time job, with balancing a couple of online classes (which actually should be pretty fun and easy). I'm not 100% sure about moving out into the apartment I've been seriously considering moving to. The plan was to move out next month into an apartment down in Provo with my good friend Jaimie. We'd each have a private room, with 2 other roommates. Rent would be about $200 a month, which really isn't bad at all. My rent last year in my severely ghetto (but awesome) apartment by the stadium was $135, plus any utilities above $40. (I only ended up paying about $20 in utilities total for the whole summer. Woot!) It would be a TOTAL blast, Jaimie is so fun and I love living out on my own. However, I really love living at my dad and stepmom's house too, despite the stigma of "living with your parents" which really isn't a stigma yet at my age anyway. I have as much freedom as I would living out on my own, plus lots more free food, rent, laundry, air conditioning, and a pet. I could afford it, really. I don't know though, it would cost about $800-$1000 more overall to move out than it would to stay at home, above the regular costs of what I'm doing right now. That's quite a bit of money.. One of the main points of living with my parents was to get on top of things with finances, to pay off my car and have enough money for school and not go in to debt. I don't think I'd go into debt out in an apartment for the summer, but that'd be $800-$1000 that I'd be down. I could be saving that for France next year. I could use that extra money to help pay off my car.

I could also use some of that money to go to Hawaii at the end of May... Hehe AND I still gotta figure out when and how I'm gonna go visit Maryland this summer. :)

This has been a year for many travels! So far this year.. February -- Denver. March -- Vegas and Disneyland. April -- New Mexico. Yes, I went to New Mexico this weekend! Finally, all four of "the siblings" were together in one place at one time. Sarah and Jason (my sister and brother-in-law) drove down with their kids from Denver, and Jenna and I drove down from here. We left about 2:30 PM on Friday and got to Albuquerque around 12:30 or so, checked into a hotel and totally crashed. The whole of Saturday was spent hanging out with Robert, his kids, Sarah and Jason and their kids. Jenna, Rob, and I went and had breakfast/lunch at the restaurant where he works, then picked up his two little girls Audi and Ambri. Then we went to the mall to see Hailey, their older daughter. She's about 14, and she's got a boooooyfriend. We all went to the zoo (sans Hailey and the boooooyfriend) which was a total blast despite all the animals being NOT out in their areas. There were some peacocks chilling around the bushes though. Good times. :-D Then we went to a park, took some "four siblings" pictures for the first time since I was about 11 years old, then hung out at Rob's place for a bit.

Then Jenna and I decided to drive home that night instead of sleeping and driving home the next day. Whew! Craziness. It was alright, overall. The last hour could have been potentially disastrous, but we made it home safe and sound around 6 AM. :-D It really was a good trip. I'm sure Jenna has posted tons of pictures on her blog (or will shortly) so I'll save the space on mine. :)


So my work computer exploded. Ever heard or imagined the sound of a carrier jet taking off? Yeah, my CPU fan became a carrier jet. I spent most of Friday and a good portion of today getting a computer figured out that would let me actually use what I needed to use for doing my job. :-D It was fun! I got to play with computers and install and sit on my bum not taking phone calls, AND be approved for it. Sweet!

Speaking of jobs, I start training back at Convergys today. Should be interesting.. I'm kind of excited, actually. There's potential for making lots of new friends, since there's a huge new bunch of people working there and I'll be with my training group for probably 3-4 weeks. This summer I WILL be avoiding the mistake I made last summer, that finally is coming to a final resolute resting place.

I wrote these lyrics, while listening to my friend Kr5is's new song. They've been tweaked a little bit since then and will continue to be tweaked:

Your eyes, colors of the universe
Color the universe inside my soul
Your symphony dazzling before my eyes
And I am taken.
This feeling soft like feathers
Held in secret under wing
Filed away between moments of life
And our hearts left unbroken

Sand through the glass
Slowly playing all too fast
Swirling through the air
Between here and now, tomorrrow

Colors shift and twirl through your hair
Shifting too hard, becoming a blur
So mistaken, now forsaking you.
You couldn’t see my face
Trust, you have been misplaced
Somewhere beneath dusty rugs and linen laced with lies
You said you'd be there

Sand through the glass
Slips through the cracks
Slowly hurrying to lick the wound left behind
And I realize

Sand through the glass
Slips through the cracks
Never lost, going back home
Eyes opening slowly knowingly now
They're going back home
They’re going back home
I’m going back home

And yeah. Ummm... yeah. I haven't really written any sort of poetry/lyrics that I was at all happy with in about a year and a half, probably. I've gotten really good at repressing things. So good, in fact, that recently all those repressed feelings of anger and hurt bubbled to the surface just at the moment I thought things were fine. The past two months have practically been the journey all over again. Those lyrics, they're my journey. I can't image the words and phrases make too much sense all jumbled together like that, but it makes perfect sense to my experience.



Since this has been the mother of updates, I'm going to be wrapping this up. Tell me what you think of the lyrics, if you read them! :)