Like all the good things, I ain't never comin' back!

Woot. I FINALLY got my ATM card for my new bank account. Hooray for being able to access my money! Woot.

I have bad days lately.. But today wasn't oneof those day. Today was a good day. I got a lot done at work, and I organized all the extra office supplies above Jan's desk, and I got a whole lot of stuff ready for a big project that I'm going to be working on later this week or next week.. And I started moving files to the new set of shelves....and cut my finger pretty badly. hehe Don't you love when you cut yourself and dont' realize it until you look down and see blood everywhere? Yeah, that's kinda fun. After work, my mom and I ate at KFC. hehe, it was so silly. We ended up having to wait forever, because the chicken breasts were cooking and all, but we had a lot of fun just being silly. Some ladies from church are coming over tonight for a meeting with my mom, and I'm probably gonna take the car and just go driving, which is something I've been looking forward to for a long time. I need a driving buddy. Someone who I can just pick up when I'm in these moods, and just have them with me, not having to talk or anything. Just cruising, listening to the radio, with no pretenses and no worries and no awkwardness, and without me feeling like I need to make conversation. I wish Laura or Matt were here. Course, I don't think Laura would like the roads I'd go driving on, and I don't think Matt would be too happy about the music I'd be listening to on the radio. silly Matt with his heavy metal music. He's leaving pretty soon, for two years. It's a good thing Laura isn't leaving for two years, and that none of the other Chix are leaving either. Or else I'd be all alone! And that would be tres sad.

Anyway. I've decided I owe an apology to all two or three people who may read my blog every now and then. I say a lot of things in here that I don't really mean, and a lot of really depressing things, and although I know that it's my prerogative to write whatever the heck I feel like, I feel guilty that I subject others to the idiotic angst that is sometimes quite proliferate here. Take this as a disclaimer, if you will.

And on that note, I shall leave you with some lyrics from an exciting, self-uplifting song by Montgomery Gentry.

This ain't no give it time, "I'm hurt, but maybe we can work it out"
Won't be no champagne, red rose, romance, second chance
This is gone, gone, gone..

Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone, gone, gone
She's gone!

Long gone, done me wrong
Never comin' back, my baby's gone
Lonely at home, sittin' all alone,
She's packed her bags and now she's gone
Never comin' back, she's gone
No no never, no no never, no never comin' back


My momma made cookies, and I am now the proud eater of a hot, fresh-baked chocolate chip cookie.

Type A vs Type Me

I need to shower. I'm all dirty and sweaty.

I realized something today.. There are lots of different kinds of people in this world. (no, that wasn't what i realized.) There are the kinds of people who when they leave a room, people follow them, simply because to not be in the same room is torture. That's the kind of person that can walk away without fear of never being able to walk back again. They know they can do better than heartbreak, because they've already done better. They don't give up on themselves. That kind of person isn't lightly given up. They are the kind of people that songs are written about. They're confident because of the place they have in the world, and happy because they can run and someone will come after them to bring them back to where they're wanted. They always know what to say, and inspire others to be better. They are respected, followed, loved, and admired, and never have to feel this way. There is always someone out there waiting for them.
I've never been that kind of person. I'm the person who's left behind, in order to chase that other kind of person. I'm the one waiting to make someone smile. I won't be the one to run after you, with my face to your back, but if you turned around, I'd meet you in the middle. People feed the line that you can make a difference by just being "who you are". Yes, if you're type A person. If you're type Me, then being who you are gets nothing but once every other weekend and an empty message machine. You can't make a difference if you're not different. You can't change lives if your life is unremarkable.





The time has come
To move ahead
And find what waits for me


There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Firewall on the heart

This post is just for you, Jenna. Really. (just kidding. hehe)

Does anyone know if Microsoft can program a firewall for your heart, so the bad stuff can't get in? Wait, Microsoft sucks. It better be something else. Matt would say Linux. There, just for you, Matty.

This is another one of my bipolar days. I'm pissed off, and I'm sad. I'm seriously debating whether or not to rant, leave some cryptic (or not so cryptic) song lyrics/(not so)original poetry, lie about what a great week it's been, say how excited I am to not be dressing up tomorrow night (sarcasm) or just to not write about anything at all.

I'll go for door # 2.....

I remember when I was in third or fourth grade, my class went to the library one day to learn about the Dewey Decimal System. The librarian took advantage of the time she had to read us a book. We were still at the age that if someone read a book out loud, it was a very short book, usually read after the sun went down. So about halfway through the book, I got bored and stopped listening. Especially when this old lady started crying for absolutely no apparent reason.
And then a little while ago, I came across the book again. I wanted to have a copy, but since I'm cheap and poor, I found it on the internet instead. No cute pictures, but the words are still the same. I read it again tonight. It is so much different now. The words mean something totally new. Perhaps it's simply because I understand them a little better. I have felt what it describes, I've been through what it talks about. In another ten years, I know I'll feel the story even deeper than I do now.

http://www.mit.edu/people/adorai/seuss/seussboy.html

I'm so scared and excited for my friends that are going off to college in the fall. I'm scared that they'll play Humpty Dumpty, because the wall you sit on while you're in high school can be quite high indeed, and can have quite a devastating fall. I'm excited because they'll be climbing their own mountains. They'll surpass their wildest dreams. And if they don't (for sometimes you won't) then that's okay too, because life isn't about doing great things, or creating great masterpieces, or changing the world.. It's about simply doing things. It's about creating, no matter how great or small the masterpiece. You live, you learn, you love, you fall, and you get back up again, and it doesn't matter if your heart is broken.. or if your plans for you don't turn out the way you wanted. "Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade" but they give way to bright, beautiful colors of Autumn. Yes, you have to endure several weeks of gross and gloomy weather in the meantime, but so what? If there's one thing that's constant, it's that time will always keep moving. God stays in control of things, whether you like it that way or not.

So bring me that horizon. Bring me that mountain. Or whatever.


And I miss Kris and Bee. :(

Mientes tan bien

Yeah, I never liked you anyway.

Empty chairs at all the tables

Due to my bipolarness, now I feel bad about my last entry. I was tired and moody and mad at so many different people, and different situations, and how much the various situations suck, and I'm pissed at myself for not being okay with the suckiness. This is exactly why I don't speak, especially when I'm emotional. Because I say all kinds of stupid nonsensical things that I don't entirely mean.

I made a cute box this morning. :)

Moments never die until they're forgotten

I get very bipolar. One day I'm happy, more or less content with the way things are.. and the next, I'm totally pissed off and just want to scream at somebody. Or, everybody

I won't be the one to chase you
but at the same time you're the heart I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time I've wasted tryin to find
The reason for goodbye.....
..honestly tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go

It's been 3 weeks. If you wanted to talk to me, you would call me. If you wanted to see me, you would drive the 2 miles and come over. If you wanted anything to do with me, you wouldn't be ignoring me right now and spending your time doing things you don't even enjoy. Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end, can I wake up, find you lying here again? Then I come back down, then I fade back in, and then I realize.. it's just what might have been. You've become something different. You've smothered the good, true person I once knew, and replaced that person with a craving, distinerested coldness. You can't deal with emotion right now. Well, then don't be surprised when emotion can't deal with YOU. You'll wake up and realize you dream me while you're sleeping after all. I'm sick. Your mistress, this time you're wasting, this numbness you've adopted, they'll all fail you. The more you try to push it away, the more you tell yourself you dont' care, the harder it pulls at you. You're looking. You're searching. You keep holding your breath while you're trying to breathe. You're going to suffocate soon, and you know it. You're just scared. I'm sick of this dry rain. I don't want to care what happens next fall. I don't want to die inside thinking of all the things you'll walk into wide-eyed, experience feeling exhilerated, and leave feeling empty.

What are you running from?


trapped within yourself, the lies
you tell so you can hide
from what you really want.
Your eyes, a window to your heart
Your smile, a fixed piece
of the silly show you're making
the silly part you're playing
Heart breaker,
You know you want more
The heart you're breaking is yours.

You are anxious

I have been strongly reprimanded for not posting in here, so allow me to refer you to for more info on the..ahem.. wonder that is miss Holly Bradford.

Anyway. enough with the pleasantries. So, I've been home for almost 3 weeks, and I've seen NO ONE. I'm a big fat loser, as it has occured to me. I realized it's a month into summer, and I've had no summer at all, and probably wont have any summer cuz I have no friends. woot.

Listen to the whales. They know what's best.

The whales tell me to go to sleep. Geez, they really DO know what's best. So, a bientot!

The wizard and I

Jenna -- I don't know, yours sounded pretty close. Mine, however......

Your Birthdate: March 17

Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are very lucky financially, because this date indicates a solid business sense. Although you are probably very honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise. You have excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative capabilities enabling you to handle large projects and significant amounts of money with relative ease. You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented, although you may be better at starting projects than you are at finishing them. A sensitivity in your nature, often repressed below the surface of awareness, makes it hard to give or receive affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

very lucky financially? kinda, i suppose, as of late, what with jobs that i wouldn't have were it not for my mom. solid business sense? i think not. excellent with handling large projects? i can barely handle teeny tiny projects! i guess i'm better at handling big things than I am with small things, but.. hmmmm... and it's DEFINITELY not hard for me to give affection!.. hehe anyway, just thought it was interesting. :)