Once again

I just have to say, I love my sister with all of my heart! She always watches out for me. She always makes sure I have friends, even if it means sharing her own friends. Not only does she not mind if her kid sister tags along, she invites me along. She's saved my life a number of times, and she is one of my very very favoritest people in the whole wide world. She's gonna be famous. :)

Happy Easter tomorrow!

In this world, there's real and make-believe

Steve Lynes died on Monday night from head injuries. He was in my ward. We had a memorial service for him today. He was such a great guy. His parents are so strong and amazing, especially his mom. Bishop Peterson read us a letter she'd written him to read to us. I'm certain he's so happy now, and that he's close by.

Fought with Katie right after about something nice I did for someone that she refused to participate in, even after 20 minutes of begging. And the worst part is, the only thing I could think the whole way through the service was how I would absolutely NOT be able to handle it if anything happened to her. She doesn't know what it's like to be CONSTANTLY terrified that you're going to come home and find your roommate, who's practically a sister, dead on the floor.

:( Please, let me get out of here tomorrow.

Sweet 18

Kiss me, I'm LEGAL!

hehe.. yay, now I can go to clubs and stuff. w00t. and, it's been a GREAT day. For details, go to my livejournal. And if you don't know what my livejournal link is... maybe there's a reason. ;-) Hehe, juust kidding. I'm lazy, so I'm not gonna put in a link. So just ask me, if you want to know. :)

Much love!

Races that aren't fair

So this is about the third time within the past few days that I've gone to update my blog, then got distracted and didn't actually finish. We'll see if I actually finish today!

Yay, my birthday is in two days. That's exciting, mostly. lol I'll finally be 18, and won't have to have my parents sign things anymore. (Yeah, now that I'm almost a sophomore in college, I can be considered an "adult"... well, legally anyway.)

I've been worrying about money lately. I'm still debating over whether or not to join the business venture... because I don't know if it will actually turn out to be profitable for me. I don't think I could really actually get people to sign up under me, and then it would just be $250 that I spent for nothing. I'm also worrying about next year. I really think I can save up enough money to cover rent and food... but what if my mom does what she's thinking about and decides to leave Johns Hopkins to move out here? I'll still get half tuition, but I'll also still have that extra $820 per semester to pay. I'm planning on having a job.. But I want to be able to live next year. I don't want to be stuck at home all the time because I have no money and no means of doing anything. Unless I find some super rich guy to take me out all the time.. ;-) hehe juuuust kidding. Anyway. lol I've deviated. So I guess the point is, I should have enough, which is important. But I want more than enough, so I can live a college student's fun life. lol

Anyway. Let's see, what else can I ramble on uselessly about for the next 13 minutes before going to class?... Well, Katie says she has some surprise thing for me today. She won't tell me what it is, but we're leaving at 4:30 for it, and Quinky's coming with us. I'm quite curious to see what it's going to be. She won't stop talking about it, but also won't tell me. lol so, it's interesting. :)

Tomorrow, I have quite a bit to do.. I have to do my Calculus homework, go to class, do my lab, take/fail my Chem test.. Not to mention start my Chem homework that's due Friday, and start HEPE quizzes. Alright. Good times.... not. But hey, the light of tomorrow is that' it's ALIAS DAY! Woot. That's the best day of the week.

Okay, that's enough. I'm done with my obligatory update for now. Fare thee well..

Good song: Avion - "When I Breathe"

And I don't want to be the first to call to show that I still care
'Cause every time we speak I fall apart
You know you've got me there

[Chorus:]
But time will make it all feel better
Like salve upon a wound you soon won't see
Time will erase the scars I've weathered
But as for now it only hurts
When I breathe

And I don't want to be the one you love cause no one else is there
I was never good as runner-up in races that aren't fair

What a conundrum

So, I haven't really updated since it turned March. I can't believe it's actually March. How did that happen?? My birthday is in 10 days. Ryan is coming in 23 days. I have 5 1/2 weeks of class left, and then finals, then I go home for the whole summer. YAY. Okay, so on to business.

Observations:
-I am actually in fact slightly to moderately antisocial, but not in a bad "i hate people" kind of way.
-Gaining weight when I'm trying to lose weight is somewhat inevitable
-My appetite goes on vacation during season changes. ie, it's turning into Spring, so my appetite has packed and gone to Cancun for a week or two..
-Time does in fact pass, no matter what. And although the little choices you make in the meantime do matter somewhat, in reality daily crap really doesn't matter one single bit. What's the use in getting all huffed up about stuff?
-The main reason I'm doing so badly this semester is because I'm around people too much. I need to spend more time alone.

Extended version of last observation:
-When I was at home during high school, I was almost always alone. I didn't really get to see other people my age very much, because I was a dufus with no car or social life. lol but anyway, I did really well in that situation. I got things done. I could concentrate for long enough to be useful to myself. I didn't have to deal with anybody else's crap unless I wanted to (usually). Here at college, however, I'm CONSTANTLY with people. Even when I'm on campus in the library somewhere, I always see somebody I know. And if I'm not with somebody I know, then I'm always looking for someone. When I'm at home, then I'm always expecting Katie to come home (if she's not home) or she'll be sleeping or wanting to hang out. Then there are the other 4 of us, (Emily, Tessa, Quinky, Laura) that I always want to hang out with. Granted, Laura's going home on Tuesday so that "takes care" of that. I need to be alone. I need to have somewhere I can go easily where I can completely isolate myself.

Possible solution to problem:
-Move into Laura's empty room when she leaves, for the rest of the semester.

Problems with above solution:
-Katie.
-Katie.
-Katie.

Possible outcomes:
-Katie would get very bitter, and possibly get either:
a) more depressed, or
b) more distant towards me.
Neither of which are desirable in the least.

Question:
So, what should I do? What's best for me is to move out. But I'm not the only one in the equation. I know the obvious answer is the whole "self-preservation first" thing, but... It's not quite that simple with my roommate. The situation is...delicate.

Oh goodness. What to do, what to do... I hate this, really.

In other news!.... I can't wait for Ryan to get out here. I miss him so much. And I'm coming down with a cold. Woot.

Change Your Mind

Sister Hazel - Change Your Mind
Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

[Pre-chorus]
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:

[Chorus]
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
O'er the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

[Pre-chorus/chorus]

Hey hey-
what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

You know, other people will ALWAYS let you down. You can't be number 1 on someone else's list until you're Number 1 on your own list. Other people's lists can change. Yours can only change if you allow it to be that way. YOU are the only one who has a say in how you feel. You own your actions, your feelings, your voice, your mouth, your body. You have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of you. Only YOU. No one else can make you happy. No one else can give you the comfort, the security, the companionship that you need. If you keep looking outside, all you'll find are a whole lot of dead ends. Disappointments. More tears. More heartache. Maybe you don't think you know how to find it within yourself. Maybe you don't know how to just LET yourself be happy. Well, you'll figure it out. You're going to have to. So start now.