Beep bop boop badeedadee

Yeah, I really don't have anything to post about. lol

So my room seems to blow up occasionally. I keep it really (mostly) clean and organized, and then suddenly I look and it has exploded again. And thus repeats the process. Right now it's in the state of post-explosion. I think maybe my two stuffed animals are the culprits.

I talked on the phone yesterday for a total of almost 3 hours. That's pretty much insane for me. lol And I talked to my dad, my stepmom, Emily, and 3 of the old roommates (Katie, Laura, and Tessa), and Nick. Crazy stuff, right there. lol

Yeah, that's all I got today.. :)

'Bye!

I wish I could come up with clever titles like Bee does.

When I created this blog, it was with the mindset that I was going to write whatever I wanted to, with no apologies or justifications for what I was saying or how things may come across. But, with this blog, and my LiveJournal, I think I've somehow gotten too many people reading them. True, there are things I want feedback on, and it's so simple to post it on here or LJ for some people to see, to read, to respond. And I really, really like reading other people's posts, too. However, I've dug myself into a hole with both of these. I know I should still post whatever I want to, with no apologies or justifications.. but my conscience is saying "Sssh, don't write about that" because I don't want to offend people, or get myself into any more ruts than I'm already in. So, I don't know.

I guess this whole thing has been my impetus for writing in my real, paper journal again. Last night I wrote 7 pages, lol.. :) Before a few days ago, I hadn't written since September 6th. There was lots and lots to catch up on, let me tell you.. I'd forgotten the freedom of writing without the thought of someone reading this right away. True, writing about myself and my life in my journal is kind of in the hopes that some child or grandchild or great-grandchild might find it amusing or helpful or cathartic or any way useful or just good reading.. But that's years and years from now. Not right here, right now, I post and you read kind of thing.

So..yeah.. . that's basically all.. lol Besides the fact that I hate taxes. C'est la vie. hehe

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?

I'm never gonna catch up with Jenna's 120 posts. lol

My mood is a little mellow tonight. Thoughtful, I guess. Maybe it's due to being tired, or maybe it's PMS, but whatever it is, I'm a little lonely the past couple of days. I'm not sure what started it off. Maybe it was seeing a picture in which the place I should have been was taken up by a different addition to the Chix and realizing that man, I'm missing everything. Right now, this age in life is where everything starts happening. Things are just now starting to get interesting for everyone, even if they think it's boring or just dumb drama or whatever..and I'm missing it all. I'm not there to see it. And right now, I've been away from that for so long that there's going to be inescapable awkwardness when I try to put myself back in that picture again. The awkwardness is gonna kill me.. I don't want to feel that separation from the people I love. I'm sick of slipping away from people, and of letting people slip away from me. It's all been due to my choices, though. I slipped away from my MD friends by leaving here and going to Utah, and being as lax as I am about keeping in contact with people.. And I slipped away from my old roommates by living with my Dad last fall. But, I had to...right? I didn't have the money to pay for rent, and I wanted to get to know my family there, and I needed to regain some of my senses from the hardness of Freshman year. I also slipped away from them by never getting over there to see them.. I wanted to. But I spent all my time with Matt. I had a great time with him, and I was really happy with him. But now, that's over. And I don't know if we'll really ever be friends like we were before. As much as he says that he's okay with it and wants me to stay in his life, even if it's only as friends..and as much as I say that I really want to be his friend.. I just don't know if it's ever gonna feel the same again. I have somehow managed to keep a friendship with Liz, and with Steph, probably the work of angels or something. lol But still, there's something lacking even there. I don't know.

I just can't wait to get somewhere that I can make some friends, people to spend time with and cry with and laugh with and make inside jokes and steal eachothers' clothes and... wait, this is sounding awfully like a sister. ;-) I miss my sisters.. and I miss friends who used to feel like sisters.

I'm going to visit my cousin in North Carolina at the end of March. I haven't seen her in over 6 years, since my grandma's funeral right after my family moved to Maryland. My favorite cousin, one of my favorite people in the world, the only person I ever felt like truly liked me for who I was when I was young, and I haven't seen her in 6 years.

Well, maybe I'll be able to change. I need to change. I need to finally learn how to hang on to the people I care about.. and how to become the kind of person that other people want to hang on to, too.

I break things

I really do wish I could change things. I wish that I could make myself feel a certain way, but I just don't believe that's how love should go. Yeah, you have to work at it, and it's not just something that magically falls into your lap. But, sometimes love slips away and you just can't get it back, and right now in life, there has to come a point where enough is enough. He's such a sweetheart, and he's my best friend. Why can't I love him like I should?

I made another car payment today, woohoo. And I'm sending in my taxes tomorrow, freakin $1200. *shakes fist* I hope Mitt Romney DOES run for President.

I should go to the library again. I adore reading.. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what book(s) I should look up? I'm open to ANY new ideas.

*sigh* Happy Valentine's Day. I'm gonna go look at my undeserved daisies and think.

I broke most of Mama’s dishes
She banned me from the kitchen when I was a kid
I tore Daddy’s truck to pieces
Left it in a heap that no mechanic could fix
You don’t believe me I can see you laughin’
But trust me I’m an accident waiting here to happen

Cause I break things
Anything I touch
I just get around and then I’m bound to tear ‘em up
Yeah, I make things
Snap and fall apart
So if you wanna hold me boy, you’d better watch your heart
Cause I break things




**edit** My dad just called me to tell me Happy Valentine's Day and that he loves me. :-) Every time we talk, he says how he's so excited for me to come back and live with them again. That they're keeping my room "as uncluttered as possible" or something. hehe Oh man... Leave it to a daddy to call and make you smile when you're feelin pretty crappy about yourself. This whole "having a relationship" with my dad finally, after 18 years, is feeling pretty good. :-)

Now, I'm going to go look at my undeserved daisies and smile cuz they're pretty and daisies are pretty much my favorite flower. :-)

Yesterdays all boxed up

I live in a fairy tale world, I think. Not in actuality, but inside my head. I think I've created a certain way I want my life to go, how I want to feel and be treated and what I want to do. I think this is so much the case that I'm not quite sure how to handle things in reality. That I'm not really sure if people really can be quite as happy as they seem to be, whether in movies or pictures or books or song lyrics or even someone else's real life. What exactly should I do about that? Should I find one kind of reality and just stay there, or should I keep trying until I perhaps find exactly what I'm looking for? I worry about wasting time that way, but I worry about what I might do if I don't chase after what I really want.

I've had the "I love him more than he loves me" thing, and I've also had the "he loves me more than I love him" thing. What I need is equality, meet-in-the-middle, chasing eachother running in circles kind of thing. The balance needs to come out even, I can't have it heavier on one side anymore.

Maybe I dwell in the world of stories, books, and movies because I'm too scared I'll never find what I see there.


ps, download Sheryl Crow - Always On Your Side. it's really good:

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

I work, I sleep..

Look look, a new post!

I feel like I never really have a whole lot to post about. Life is fairly monotonous. I work, and I sleep, and I read, and I eat, and I sleep some more.. But then again, once I start thinking about it, my life actually isn't quite as boring as that.

I work. What I do for work isn't quite what other 18-year-olds are doing. I don't work at a restaurant doing waitressing, I don't work at a clothes store hoping for commissions. I don't have to wait until Saturday night to find out what my schedule's going to be for the next week. Yeah, I work full-time (and overtime, as much as I can) at Johns Hopkins, with the duties of a full-blown Research Associate. On Sunday my mom and I drove up to Philadelphia and I attended a Barnett International training class for Clinical Research Coordinators. Holy crap, I learned SO much, and I get a fancy certificate and a big chip for my resume game. I took the train home, and by the way, the Philly 30th Street train station is old-timey awesome, with a really high ceiling and cool columns and disgusting food. It's great.

I sleep... a lot. lol I was thinking today, I should start a slogan campaign. It'd be "I'd Rather Be Sleeping." You know.. like the "I Am Loved" slogan thing. Or, more like the "S*** Happens" thing.. Or, for anyone at BYU, the "Not Funny" thing. I could make T-shirts and bumper stickers and pillowcases and binders and all kinds of stuff. I could put different pictures of different scenarios, like being at school, at work, in a zoo, in space...whatever. Lots of things. And the picture would show something very not fun, and it'd just say, "I'd rather be sleeping."
hmm. Maybe I should sell my idea to a mattress company.

Matt FINALLY got his call. He's going to Guatemala City! Very awesome. :)

Anyway..that pretty much sums it up for me..