Like a handprint on my heart

Today was a pretty good day. I noticed something on the way to drop something off with my mom, something off a road I've been on thousands of times, and never noticed before. It's just one little tree, but it made me so happy. It's amazing how one small thing can make (or break...) a good day. After work, my mom and I did some shopping, which was cool. We finally got a frame for my bed, which I'll be putting together tomorrow (woot) and so that's fun. Aaand, I got a couple much-needed tanktops/undershirts. Yay. And then I was gonna hang out with Meryem but didn't end up doing that...which made me sad but we'll hang out sometime next week. So Ryan came over for a bit, and helped me move some boxes downstairs to our little storage room and we chatted for a while. It was cool. I always forget how much that kid takes on himself. There's so much he never talks about anymore, though. I miss the Ryan I used to know, but I suppose I need to start getting to know the new one, if we're gonna stay friends. That's the cool thing about growing up -- you get to know a whole TON of different people... even if it's just the same people you've known forever. But you change, and they change, and sometimes you lose friends to the people they become (or the person you've become), but sometimes you get to have a brand new friend with all the same memories.
But sometimes you wish things didn't have to be just memories.

Goodnight..

Why am I so scared and upset? I've known for two years that things would turn out this way. "Dreams are for rookies," in the immortal words of Disney's Hercules. You're too fixated on the things that aren't going to matter to you in a few years, and it's changing how you think, how you act, how you speak, who you are. I can't be what you need me to be, and you won't be what I need you to be. So why am I so scared and upset?

My heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with..

So breathe, just breathe..

So, I'm home. Or, at least, I'm here in Maryland. I don't think I really know what "home" means anymore. One thing/place/person used to feel like "home," but things change when you're not looking. Colors change in autumn while you're sleeping, when it's cold at night. Lives change while you're not in them. The world keeps spinning even when you're floating above it, or sinking deep into it. I miss feeling at home. I don't know when home will happen again.

Work starts much sooner than I would like. I'll be making quite a bit more money than I've ever made in my life... but life is starting to cost money. lol I'll be glad when the next four years are over.

I wish some things didn't have to change. Or, I wish that I could make myself feel okay about things changing. To not randomly burst into tears while driving past old memories.

I need to sing again. Singing makes me happy. :) And happiness is good...and much needed.

"Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe...
just breathe"

...what about the fast forward button?... hehe :)

My give-a-darn's busted.

I'm tired of being at this point. I'm tired of wondering, of being afraid to talk simply because I'm scared of the reply. I don't need to know what's going to happen, but I do need to know what's going on. I don't want to live in a world of questions anymore, a world of make believe..the world where Holly says, "I like to think things are this way, so of course they really are, and I can pretend that it's this way for as long as I want." Distance brings comfort, no matter what they teach you in fairy tales. 'Tis not better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, because lost love was just wasted time. The only love worth wasting time on is the one that won't be lost. I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. There's not as much laughter anymore... but that's going to change. To the world of bad-ness: you suck, and shall go away.

Every so often, we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
-wicked

In other news... Sahara is a freakin awesome fun movie. Katie now spends almost all of her time on ldschat.com and went on a date last night with a guy she met there. She got all huffy mad at me for not talking as much as she wanted me to, for "not telling her anything", and yet I had to force her to tell me about her date she was so excited about.

The girls are pulling away... It's like I already don't exist. Next year's going to be fun.

The Mars Volta is coming to Utah tonight... I want to go. But, alas, sold out.

I'm tired.. lots of packing to do.. boxes to find, Jamba to buy, junk to toss, family to see... who knows. :( i'm gonna miss my sissie.

Moments never die

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know, I know....those things are bad for you... but one can't really help it at such a time as now.

I'm having a really hard time figuring out why I don't want to be in college. It could be that I liked high school an abnormal amount, or maybe I'm just not a college person. Some people aren't... but that's not acceptable in today's world. All people have to have either 12 years of college or be really really rich to be considered a human being worthy of consideration. I don't know what I'm going to do next fall. I have to be a full time student somewhere during the fall, for insurance purposes. But I just don't know if I'm going to be coming back to BYU or not. Then again, if I do, then I'm going to do the DisneyWorld internship next winter, which would be really cool. aaaaand, yeah. I think I'd miss my sister too much if I didn't come home.

I really need to bite the bullet and quit this. It's not doing anyone any good, and nothing is going to end up the way I've always planned/wanted. But I guess I'll see soon enough.

Four days. That's all... four days and then I'll be home. Hooray!! :) I'll have friends! hehe

Well, I suppose I should go study for my two last finals. Adieu!

Some thoughts...

Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. People notice you, respect you, and you never know whose life you might change just by being true to yourself.

They say "No one is perfect until you fall in love with them". But I have come to disagree, in a way. Maybe being in love with someone is knowing all their faults, all their imperfections, and by knowing them you love them all the more. You love them, not despite of everything, but because of everything. You love them because you know, deep in your soul, that all of the little things that may be imperfect don't matter in the long run, and you know your life without their imperfect self is empty and lonely. They may be imperfect, but they're perfect for you.

Never promise someone that you will never hurt them, and never expect someone to promise they will never hurt you. It's impossible. Go into relationships knowing you WILL be hurt at one point, be prepared, understand that everyone makes mistakes, and give unconditional love anyway. Without pain, we would never grow. Grow, and cry, and heal, and love.

A perfect kiss is not perfect because of the circumstances surrounding it, no matter what you might have heard from Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. It is perfect because it's his lips and your lips, his breath and your breath, his soul and your soul, intermingled to make one perfect being, and right then, all time stands still and you can live for eternity in this one perfect moment.

Defying gravity

It’s just you
It’s just me
Here, now
My head on your chest
Gentle and still.
Eyes closed
Softly breathing
Dreaming together.
Nothing spoken
Yet so much said.
Impossible love
When eyes open
But right now
It’s just you.
And it’s just me.
Here, forever
Now.
Moments never die until they're forgotten
Dreams never sleep until they're deserted
Forever here now
Because moments never die until they're forgotten
Nothing is forgotten.

So much for my happy ending

I won't be a punching bag anymore, not for you and not for me. I'm starting from scratch. It's time I stood on my own, time to start healing the damage that you and I have both inflicted on me. I won't be the person I'm starting to become.

I've realized again that it's not going to work. It's not going to come true. I think I've been let go of... and it's time for me to let go too. Maybe.. arg. lol

Holly, what's wrong with you? Why do you put these hard things off? Do you think that someone's going to waltz in with Scotch tape and put all the pieces together just right? No one's going to make these things better. It will all be okay, eventually.. you just need to bite the freakin bullet.

I've finalized my decision to leave the Six Chicks and not live at the apartment next year. I don't know where I'm going to live, or if I'm going to be able keep at least four of them as friends.
Hey, oh well. I've started from scratch before, haven't I? I can do it again.

To my future: Bring it.

(the thing with the saying "all good things come to an end" is that all BAD things come to an end too.. it's just that the bad things come to an end much slower than the good.)