One moment can take it all away

So I officially suck at college. I am definitely going to be on academic probation after this semester. As of this week (hopefully), I am getting involved in a new business that's potentially going to pay me really well, and I really hope everything goes well..because I don't know how I'm ever going to get anywhere with college. Maybe I can be like Bill Gates and quit college, and still become a millionaire. Woot.

I had alcohol for the first time in my life on Saturday. I just about cried my eyes out in the middle of a restaurant with people I didn't know... I went with Katie up to her house, and we went to dinner at Chilli's with her parents and her cousins.. and Katie ordered a VIRGIN margarita, but apparently our waiter didn't hear her say "virgin" the two times she said it loudly. Anyway, so the drinks come, and i was all excited and I asked for a drink.. but she was like "I have to have the first drink!" So she takes a huge mouthful and I immediately take a little one, and my first thought was "Wow, this tastes different than I remember Margaritas tasting..." Then it turned into "Holy crap, what is that awful aftertaste?" And apparently Katie had the same thoughts, and she swallowed before me, and she said "Is this virgin?" And the waiter was like "Uhh...no.." And she was like "WELL IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!" ..... Oh my gosh.. I can't even tell you how upset I was. Yeah yeah, it was an accident, whatever.. but one stupid sip ruined one of my very few lifetime goals: to never, ever have had ANY alcohol. Our waiter took it away and brought one that was actually virgin, but.. If it had just been me and katie and her parents, I probably would have bawled my eyes out.

Anyway.. other than that, the weekend was pretty good. (Wait, no, that's a lie..) But I did get to play with puppies and go hot tubbing. So, I guess that evens out the three classes I'm failing (getting Ds) in. Woot!


....I think maybe I lied before when I said I'm not depressed..

Oh l'amour

So, the past few days have been really good. Friday night I went with Katie&Co. up to Katie's house to see her puppies. Holy cow, they're SOO cute! Anyway, in that process, we got to watch two great movies, eat really good food, ride in/drive a Viper (yes, a Viper), got pocket knives and precious gems.. and played with incredibly cute and cuddly puppies. The rest of the long weekend was good, too. Sunday was good, overall. I got to see some people I haven't seen in a long time, at a friend's farewell I went to with Liz and her boyfriend. Monday was really good.. Tessa, Emily, me, and Quincy borrowed Quink's brother's car and went to Provo Town mall to see Hitch. GREAT movie, by the way.. I highly suggest it. Then we ate in the food court, went to Vicky's (hehe) etc etc.. We came home, slept for a while, then me and Em and Tessa went out to hang out with Em's friend Kyle. We watched Blue Streak and went bowling.. (my two lowest bowling scores ever. woot!) Then today I was a total and complete bum, and I loved every minute of it. As always. lol

Katie and I watched Where The Heart Is tonight. I don't know why, but sometimes I wish I had grown up in the South.

My Katie might apply for a Disneyworld internship. She wants me to do it with her. I think it would be SO much fun... my friend Hayley is there right now. I probably wouldn't apply for a character position, but rather one in the performance section.... I think it would be fun, but I don't know if I want to do it... It probably wouldn't happen anyway. hehe

Anyway. What else? Ryan and Steph are both going to come out and visit me. I'm SO excited. Ryan's coming on March 30th. It's so soon! This semester seems to be going by so fast. I definitely like it that way... I can't wait until this summer. It might be boring, I'll probably be working all the time, and barely be able to see my friends... but I don't care. College is killing me, and I need a break. I need time to get my focus back, to figure things out. I'm not really looking forward to how hot and humid it is back east, or the fact that we're living with other people, but I don't care about that either. I'm going to miss my girls like crazy, plus the few other friends I have out here, but I'm just so anxious to go back. And I think I know the reason... A hug, anytime I want it. A pond in the rain, 20+ mosquito bites. Off-roading. Stupid movies. So much...

Rest in peace

Every year for the last 5 years, there has been at least one student of Perry Hall High School that has died, and two of those years it's been two or three students. Granted, 1 or 2 students out of 2700 or so, that might not seem like a lot. But because of the loss of one or two people, countless lives will never be the same.

It's just sad.

(By the way, Perry Hall is where I graduated from last year.)

A note on a desk

If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, it's feeling helpless. That feeling you have when you know that there is absolutely nothing you can do for someone, something, or some situation, to make things better.

The world is too sad. Why can't I do anything about it? Why are we made so small and unimportant? Why the heck do we go through the things we do, and see the things we see, if there's nothing we can do to fix things, to make things right? I mean, I suppose the world HAS to suck, because it's been prophesied that it will suck majorly before Christ comes again. But that doesn't make it any less painful to see people's lives crashing down around them. To have the fear of coming home to see...

I guess I know why. I always know the answers to my own questions. They're just too hard to bear.

Freakin' nightmare

So, pretty much the worst day ever, and it has nothing to do with it being Valentine's Day or loneliness or anything dumb like that. I'm quite content in that department. It has to do with my own stupidity.

Holy crap, I fail life.

There's no cake, there's no ice cream, happy birthday.

Happy freakin' Valentine's Day.

The highlight of my day, and why I love my roommate:
ME: "I don't think you could marry yourself. I don't think they'd let you."
KATIE: "They might in Massachusetts..."

A bit of earth

Holy cow, my daddy is so cute. lol I had a foot cramp today when I went over for dinner and stuff, and he ran to get some like aromatherapy foot lotion and he gave me a foot massage. Then after dinner, I was watching him play with the kitty, and he's just so cute.

I'm really tired today, but I don't mind. I'm tired all the time, and at least today I'm tired for a worthy cause.

This week should be interesting. I have two tests, a paper due, two big homework assignments due, Enrichment on Thursday, among all the other little various things I have to do. Grant me sanity. lol

Yeah, that's pretty much it right now...

Breathe in, breathe out..

Thanks to Laura, i've been saying "lame" way more than should be legal. I'm going to try to not say it a single time this whole entry.

Well, today was quite the full day. I slept pretty badly.. but whatev. I got up early to go do my Chem lab with Laura, which took like forever.. hehe but, then i came back home and got ready to go down to Springville. I hung out with Matt, Bryce, and Mike.. and Bryce's friggen awesome new stereo system in his car. lol it was good times... anyway, after a while Matt brought me back to the dorms and I got ready to go to a stake dance with my friend Jen. Which I just got home from. And my legs are very grumpy. And Aaron didn't come! What a dufus.

I was thinking today... and I definitely have enough thought-material to make quite a lengthy "Holly Rant".... but I really don't think that's safe. My mind is going a thousand miles an hour, and there's no way my hands could move fast enough to actually capture my thoughts, and all that would come out would be a jumble of words that would have absolutely nothing to do with how i'm thinking and feeling. Why is it that words can never capture feelings in exactly the right way? It's quite inconvenient...

I sent three letters/cards on Thursday night. I do hope they get to their destinations on time.

I love my big sister. Congrats about the dance thing, Bee!

Love lifts us up where we belong

Today was kind of a mellow day... My Book of Mormon class was tough. I totally love my teacher, and I love learning about the BoM, but sometimes.. it's just tough on your spirit. Especially in 3 Nephi 6-8... It just made me so sad, thinking about those people.. and how the world is turning out today. It makes me want to change the world, to make it better, to make people better. Today in my Political Science class, our speaker was the United States advocate to the UN about the Family. He read us different resolutions the UN has passed, that basically work together to dissolve the family unit. Hello, PEOPLE!... society cannot function without family. Family is the most fundamental unit of society. We're basically begging for our own destruction here.
I wrote a poem last year, and as I was just sorting through some of my old stuff, I came across this.. and it really applies right now, so..yeah, I guess I'll post it.

The Poison Apple

The earth is spinning faster
Careful – it’ll knock you down
Quick!, get a foothold; brace yourself
Before you know it, your world will tumble down.

Another child’s dream is shattered.
Another tragic hero bites the dust.
Ephemeral happiness transforms into careless melancholy
Cinderella’s still scrubbing the floor –
No happily ever after in this town –
The shoe didn’t fit after all.

The earth is spinning faster…
We weren’t careful enough
We weren’t quick enough
The world has tumbled down:
Where love and charity have fled,
Hatred and greed abound in their places.
Where peace and beauty once lived,
War and devastation are all we can see.
Another child’s dream is shattered
Another hero bites the dust
Our world bit the apple…
But she’s not waking up this time.


Yeah, wow, that poem is actually really depressing. I should write like a happy section or something. Anyway.
My hope that remains.... individuals can still create heaven on earth even when the world refuses to even think about actual happiness. There can still be joy, amidst all the pain and suffering we bring upon ourselves. Monday is Valentine's Day. It's basically a "let's see how extravagant we can get to show our love" day. But, the point is, it's about love. (mostly.) Love, and sharing that love. Hooray! Go share your love. Shout it to the world.

I found some old memories tonight, in an old tin container. I am content. I am so happy.. and so lucky.

I burn, I pine, I perish

It's 2:37 AM and I'm still not asleep. Man, that sucks. Me and Sleep (or, should I say, "sleep and I") are very, very good friends. I think my bed is one of my most favoritest places. One of a few.. Anyway.
I need a job. Does anyone want to give me a job?
I'm tired. When I'm tired, my mind goes a little bit crazy. What's the difference from normal, you might ask? Well, perhaps the difference is that when I'm tired, I'm more likely to write and ramble a little bit of my crazy mind into such an outlet as this.
I had a dream that one of "my girls" wanted to leave BYU and go home. I don't think I can even say how incredibly sad that would make me. She is so much of my smiles each day, and I have come to love her like a sister. The worst part of my dream, though, was that I knew going home wouldn't make things any better for her. She was really sad. I felt this incredibly powerful desire to help in some way. Not to make things perfect.. Life doesn't need to be perfect. Heaven knows, happiness isn't a life without pain, but rather a life in which pain is traded for a worthy cause. A life in which after the pain, you see the reasons and how you've grown, how you've been strengthened, how you will make life better. That is where happiness is found. I've realized that people have so much strength inside of them...but for some reason, people refuse to see it. Although, our own strength sometimes really might not be enough. I don't necessarily believe in the old adage that "God won't give us anything we can't handle." I think God sometimes gives us things that are beyond are capability so that we'll learn to rely on Him, to trust Him. We are given pain so we can recognize happiness.
But, of course, it's hard to see that during the pain. It's hard to see the sun when you're underneath the rainclouds, even though it's always there, just waiting.

A quote from a good friend's profile: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." So here's to the moments, both good and bad.

Friend pictures.. :)

This is me with three of my best friends ever: my roommate Katie, then Emily and Laura. 


Laura, Me, and Tessa in the back of Katie's car on one of our apartment shopping outings. Such good times. :) 

Slim in Six

Man.. why didn't anyone tell me that getting hott was so hard? man.. lol My girls and I (Tessa, Emily, Katie - my roommate, and Laura) are doing this workout program called "Slim in Six." It's a three-step video, and each step is supposed to be about 2 weeks (hence, the "six" weeks.) The first step was pretty easy. It was slow, very low-impact, etc.. but we started the second one today. Well, yesterday, but I wasn't here yesterday. So my first day with it was today. It's killer... oh man. It probably doesn't help that I'm sick and weak in the first place. hehe But, despite the fact that I'm totally and completely dead right now... I really like working out. I think I like it too much, if that's possible, once I start. I want to keep pushing myself and pushing myself until I can't do anything anymore, which isn't the best strategy in the world.. But hey. I have a very strong impetus to lose this stupid weight, but it's hard to balance out staying mentally healthy and getting physically healthy. Why did 9th grade have to happen? Oh well, I suppose. :) Life is good, life is happy, I like The Cheat.

I'm homesick.

And on that note... be free, little birds!

Playing Favorites

This is the least that I can do
You know I'm bad at calling you
The best way I can extend
The lonely words, I miss you
I'll say it but I'm sure you knew
You're what I look most forward to
Coming back to where i've been
I'll just leave it at this..
You're my favorite thing about the east coast

That is the second verse from a song by a band called Starting Line, with one word change... It's a song I randomly discovered on my iPod, on my Acoustic list.. It's kind of emo-punk-whatev, but I like it. Some songs just have an uncanny way of taking your heart and putting it to music.

Anyway. So, I'm retarded, and can't figure out how to make a Friends list. Does anyone who loves me want to tell me how?..

So it's officially the second month of the year 2005. Sweet, that means only 9 and a half weeks left of this semester of death. Good news, though. I got a 35/50 on my first American Heritage paper. Now, I can tell, you're probably sitting there thinking, "35 our of 50? How can a 70% be good news??" But as I was waiting in line to get my paper from the filing cabinet, the 8 people in front of me all got below 20. As I was sifting through to find my paper, I saw only 4 or 5 papers that were scored 40-45. (i didn't see any that were over 45.) So, that's good news. Hooray. I might pull off a C+ in that class.

Man, my GPA is screwed. Along with my Chemistry homework, which is still a skank.